rants

2007-05-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

my smile is not a smile.

someday i would allow myself to be swallowed into the ground-
just to get away from you.

2007-05-03T03:00:00.001-07:00

i am not a trophy girlfriend.

post exams

2007-05-02T23:32:00.000-07:00

my exams are finally over.
oh hurray.
for some reason i dont feel any sense of relief or joy.
im not even excited, just-
just that i dont have to cram any more stuff into my unexpandable brain.
well what do u expect? its like my 28th exam. counting all midyears and year ends from primary 1 till now.

after my paper, i went straight to cy's to sleep.
slacking around,watching my favourite dolphin bay show in channel u, then dinner.

supposed to meet nic all..
but stomach's been rumbling all day.
didnt think any alcohol was going to make it better..plus all that pharmacy stuff is getting to me.
alcohol=hepatic cirrhosis, increased tendency for peptic ulcers..
and all that cigarette smoke..hmm. mainstream,sidestream, second hand smoke..
help.
im turning into a health freak.

tired. went to school early thinking there was some meeting but it ended up to be tmr.
another reason not to go out.
im becoming so incredibly boring.

all i wanna do is stay home in my pajamas, sit in front of my laptop and blind myself with prison break and house.
did you know some girl sat in front of her laptop for 8 hours straight and died from deep vein thrombosis? (yeah, for those who think that you're safe as long as you dont take a 20hr flight to new york..think again!)
now thats another thing to add to your 'i might just die tomorrow' list.

i want you back! dont care what i have to do..

if i cant have you..i dont want nobody baby..

i heard a rumour..they said you got a broken heart..

together in electric dreams..

darling leave the light on for me..

only you can set me free! cos im guilty! guilty as a girl as be!

oops. i digress. sorry mambojambo in blk 854 now.

i am like gian for mambo but lazy.
wth rite?
tell u sth even more dumb, i listen to mambo music, feel all gian....and when i go zouk.
i head straight for phuture and STAY there.
hahha.
justin timberlake/shakira/pussycatdolls have a stronger hold on me than bananarama and belinda carlisle.
ok. the next time phaelyn queen of mambo returns..i will go with her.
oh but wait. im not gg if her scary of a maximising bf is gg.
sorry babe.
oh wells.
and i think i only wanna go if a certain somebody is fine with it.
a night of fun, and then returning to a week of hell?
ive grown up enough to realise that its not worth it.

now would you excuse me while i mambo in my pjs.

hhhhheeeeeeeyyyy! play that funky music white boy..

2005

2007-05-02T09:52:00.001-07:00

was surfing through my com for pics.
would have put up more if i wasnt so impatient.
and im gg to sleep now.

posing in front of the camera. being crazy. as always.

adele pillai wen jie. always bullying and taking care of me at the same time.

yangyi. ni si qu na li le? phuket paradise. i think we just jumped into the deep blue.

yes, we did this during lecture. physiochemical properties of drug actions. PR2101? haha.

Beauty and the brain. Ass-ence of chick.

2007-04-28T12:22:00.000-07:00

she went on a study strike yesterday because her paper was so screwed up,she was feeling too demoralised to do anything.
she had no will to study for there was no point, she couldn't fit anything into her head no matter how long she stared at her notes.
besides, there was another group of advanced species taking the same class as her. which meant that no amount of gingko biloba, essence of chicken or ginseng birdnest could give her an edge.
she should have known it was a futile effort from the very beginning.
getting dressed for the paper was actually the donning of her armour, ready for battle, and then emerging victorious.
yah right.
cos what was really going through her mind was that if she couldnt be smart, she might as well look good.
how paradoxical.
half hearted attempts.
and then kicking herself later when it doesnt end out well.
she cannot stand being simply mediocre for the rest of her pathetic life.
rah.
one more to go. make or break.
now where's that last bottle of ginseng birdnest?
if it cant help her brain, might as well help her looks.

reinhold hugo impromptu

2007-04-25T21:44:00.001-07:00

amazing huh?
kinda reminds me of someone i know.
:P

can you imagine her typing on a keyboard? haha.
i want a daughter like that!

crab beehoon

2007-04-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

ok..nothing better to do, decided to blog about food.

i know i should be studying but all those 10 different classes of disinfectants are driving me crazy.
i cant even eat/drink/bathe without first turning the bottle around to see what preservatives they have, what active ingredient, whether it really has anti-bacterial functions, what surfactants they're using..yada. ok i should stop here. im starting to sound like a freak.

oh yes! and again i digress. ok back to food. found some old pics from january. went to have crab beehoon with the canoepolo peeps so here's some unglam,unaltered,unprofessional shots of it.

ok lets do a before and after. this is before. milky soup, thick beehoon and crab.

and this is after. finish everythingggg.

ok..before again! can you see steph's and yida's fake smiley face? can just imagine them thinking,'kns, hurry up...i want to eat now....still take what photo.....'

nah! your typical singaporean mess after a meal at the kopitiam. damm gross rite.

i think we waited for about an hour before we got to eat. please dont be distracted by kim in the photo.....the focus is the long queue behind ussssss. but its was worth the wait. yummy! i wanna go again. but the queue!

here's the add.
Blk 233 Ang Mo Kio Ave 3 Street 22 #01-1194, 6554-3453(i dunno whether this is e number to call, maybe u can book a reservation. haven tried it)

here's how you go:

By train
Take MRT to Ang Mo Kio station (NS16) and take Exit B. Take a taxi (about 5 to 10 mins ride) or turn right and take buses 132, 165, 166 or 169 and alight at Mayflower Secondary School (Campus 1) and look for block 232.

By bus
Take buses 132, 165, 166 or 169 and alight at Mayflower Secondary School (Campus 1) and look for block 232.

koped the details from here

i didnt try the rest of the dishes there..(they have all kinds of crab) but this guy did so this is what he said

yups. k tts all. im going back to my notes. :)

thunder tea rice

2007-04-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

was at vivo yesterday with san,shannon and the rest of the hottest,coolest, most amazing pharm chicks.. shopping for pearlyn's present.

haha. ok today's entry is not about how great they are and if not for them i dont think i would have survived pharmacy. but rather what i tried at vivo foodcourt.

thunder tea rice (lei cha fan)

muahaha....doesnt the name sound so impressive already?
like some dish for your ancient chinese emperor.
'imperial jade treasure' or 'dragon flesh surrounded by phoenix's feathers'..

so anyway..i was walking around food republic,some higher class foodcourt with very nostalgic ambience. they have wooden stools,everything wooden..like your ma jie/samsui women dating coolies era...playing shanghai jazz music. bascially its like your wisma one. and every food stall seems to have some channelU/makan sutra/yummy king/etc magazine food reviews.

well...everything looks exciting. they have scissor curry noodles(?), knife sliced noodles (dao xiao mian),and [insert some street name]-[insert any random singaporean dish]..
yup u get my drift.

okok! back to my thunder tea rice.
here's how it looks like. i forgot to take a pic of it before i stirred everything in so i koped its pic from someone else. sorry and thank you!

this is the rice. its underneath and comes in either white rice or brown rice.
and as u can see.....its so VEGE-FRIENDLY. all kinds of vegs and tofu..and ikan bilis and peanuts. to me, if not for the ikan bilis and peanuts...i dont think i'll be able to eat it all. rather bland.

and this is...tada! the soup. its green.
like jade green/caterpillar juice green/light green water colour green. its a suspension i tell you. made up of green tea,mint leaves and basil if im not wrong. so the soup/tea is not your savoury kind. its not sweet either.
its....well. like what xinyi said,'if you like it, you like it...if you dont then its really not nice'
yah its really not nice. to me at least. it has an acquired taste. really acquired. go try! i insist on a full spoonful rather than a sip to savour and taste its real,full bodied flavour.

ok...since the foodcourt has so many exciting things...gotta try smt different and exciting rite...this dish apparantly boots many many health benefits. k lemme rip it off the site

The Benefits Of Thunder Tea Rice:

Green Tea: Powerful anti-oxidant, helps to lower cholesterol.

Basil & Mint: Anti-stress, for cooling & calming effect, aids relaxation, relieve colds.

Fuliksum: Remove body toxins and fluid wastes, strengthen immune system.

Chinese Parsley & Coriander: Ease digestion & gastric, combat flu & headache.

Ginger & Ngal: Expel body winds & gas.

Sesame: Maintain youth & enhance beauty.

Groundnuts: High in protein, good for stein.

It's all herbs & veg., high in fibre, rich in vitamins & herbs provide medicinal value. Lei Cha has excellent physical & pharmacological value. Frequent consumption of Lei Cha promotes good health. Physical value: Enhance slimming & body detoxification. Pharmacological value: Fatigue prevention, vitality promotion, physical improvement, improves body functions, ease digestion, ease chronic bronchitis, prevent hypertension & hardening of arteries, effective for chronic rheumatic and arthritic, inhibiting cancer cell growth, helps treat diabetes, enhance relaxation & improves good sleep

yeah...sounds good rite?

and the way to eat it is to pour the tea/soup into the rice, mix everything together and just whack.

so this is me after i ate it halfway..(thanks san for the pic! k800i leh..)
so go try! its not fear factor...but its something i'll try just once though! cos after eating it.....all i wanna have is something really oily to balance up my dinner. like say, deep fried chicken wings. :P

oh but apparantly lotsa working ppl like it! (but carnivores like sandra cannot take it...)
iyah...all the health conscious..
so more reads here-
http://www.sbestfood.com/thundertearice.htm
and lets see what mr miyagi has to say here

happy healthy eating!

Part III

2007-04-07T02:17:00.000-07:00

chwaa invited many many people over to his party..
quite an interesting concept.
there was a steamboat corner, a grill corner (bbq is too dirty,smelly and too much work),pizza corner, and a hotdog station.
think movenpick marche style.
its a bloody sausage party..dunno how many ikea hotdogs he bought..and the cheesey ones...
i made potato salad!!!! and everyone said its nice! yay. haha...but how hard can potato salad get rite..heh.

to make a guy happy..just have the 3 Bs
1)BOOZE, 2)BOOBS and 3)BABES
if not..FOOD,BOOZE,SOCCER and GAMBLING will do too.

cos after the food....they all moved on to play texas holdem (poker).
cos cy had the chips so it felt pretty real and exciting when u pushed all the chips and yell "all in!"

kays so if u need any party ideas or help with the food and 'sai kang'..........
dont call me.
tiring know.
hhhahhhaa..but it was a success and my bf was happpppppppiiiieee :)

aahaan thai phet maak

2007-04-06T02:56:00.000-07:00

this shall be where i let the pictures do most of the talking.
eh. they're not pretty/nice/pictureperfect cos i dun have photoshop. lol.

i dont want to eat already. green curry very spicy. look at my sausage lips.

im going to cry if you force me...my stomach is burning alreadyyyyy
i said i dont wanttttttt. im not going to open my mouth. you cant force meeeeee...

see...even chwaa cannot take it.

drink water.....gulp gulp. put out the fire.

the culprits la.
green curry laksa and fish tom yam soup.

part 2 of chengyu's birthday.

"im a lover, not a fighter."

oreo cheesecake for yu

2007-04-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

im back here again!
cos wordpress is giving me problems...ok..more like i dunno how to use it. so i guess its back to good old blogger again.
here's e oreocheese cake i made for cy!
haa..very homemade rite..look at e metal tin..the recycled 'happybirthday'...old school.
but its really good stuff.
NYDC...step aside!

this is a slice of it! looks not bad rite...haha. humour me la. 1st time leh.

just look at how he's enjoying it! salivating all the way..hahha
ok la..this pic doesnt do justice to my cake..but its e only one i have of him trying it.
it is really good ok.

so for all of you who think ive died n disappeared from e face of the earth...............
i have not!
i've just been very homely, and domesticated...dedicating my life to boyfriend, studying (chasing my A's and eventually making it to dean's list), and training canoepolo. boring rite? oh well....quite satisfying la.

holidays coming soon. den manda will be back to rock your world. cya!

p/s: oh btw, these pics are belated..his birthday was last month.

i'll blog more i promise!

2006-11-15T06:36:00.000-08:00

okie peeps.
i've moved.
blogger is so yesterday. ha!
love ya'll still!
muacks.

2006-10-31T12:39:00.000-08:00

thanks to sweet.
im madly in love with this song.
its on repeat all the time.
cy thinks im mad.
"ben ben de..keep on listening to the same song."
:P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMz279ae70U

2006-10-31T11:34:00.000-08:00

haven been blogging regularly.
guess its cos im trying to study.
(notice the word is 'trying'.)
naively thinking that the time i used to blog could be put to better use like studying.
ha!
who am i kidding.

thinking of switching over to livejournal or wordpress.
shrugs.

im trying to figure myself out.

i think im changing.
when i was younger..like way younger. say about 14,15,16 yrs old..
i was fairly indifferent about things,perhaps its because i didnt care.
or was too immature at that time to realise how serious things could be.
or too young, to fully understand and feel the whole impact of a particular situation.
i wanted to be free-spirited, and happy.
and i think i was.

slowly, i grew up..like how everyone would eventually.
like how life uses the most cruel methods to teach certain lessons
learning almost everything the hard way.
i suppose i became a little more mature, and started to see things in a different perspective
yet still struggling to understand cos i was still young.
not yet disillusioned with the world, or cynical in any way.
couldnt understand why others can be so bitter, yet starting to see why there are so many reasons in this world to be bitter.
struggling to make the right decisions, but more often than not, it turns out wrong.
but still i learn,
not what to choose, but what not to choose.
plus i had an impulsive streak in me.
my mantra was 'dont care,just whack.'
i wanted to do the right thing all the time,
yet fighting internally with what i really want to do-without consequences.
i think i turned out pretty messed up.

at present, i feel old.
i am apathetic and passive to almost everything.
accepting things to the point where its scary,
cos u wld start to question my morals if u knew how indifferent and accepting i am to certain very immoral issues.
its not that ive become twisted,its just that i understand why certain ppl do certain stuff.
i try to see everything from so many different angles that sometimes i dun have a stand anymore. i sit on the fence and listen and take it all in.
so i suppose that's not accepting things blindly.

but there are still times when i have outbursts of sudden strong sense of righteousness.
like 'cannot cannot...i must do sth about it (while im still young and still believe that there is still some good left in this world)'
grew out of the 'life is meaningless' phase.
realised that being blindly impulsive is really not as cool and exciting as it seems.
perhaps its a been there done that thing.
i suppose when u get older, or have already had your fair share of thrills..
its harder to get a kick out of anything.
i know i used to go 'so exciting!!!' all the time.
it doesnt mean ive become old and boring at 20.
i am still very much turned on..
i still firmly believe in my 'dont care, just whack.' mantra.
maybe just not as naive, though at times still very naive.
see how contradicting i can be?
hah.

love me for who i am.

2006-10-30T20:45:00.000-08:00

thanks to sweet.
im madly in love with this song.
its on repeat all the time.
cy thinks im mad.
"ben ben de..keep on listening to the same song."
:P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMz279ae70U&mode=related&search=

2006-10-22T01:19:00.000-07:00

here, check this out!

http://www.ochenk.com/entry.php?id=63

i can hear up till 18000Hz.
ha!

life's been such an emo rollarcoaster that i dunno whether i feel anything anymore.

2006-10-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U&eurl=

2006-10-16T01:13:00.000-07:00

brown hair,
bleached by the sun.
with goldish ends,
remnants from the previous dye job.
slightly wavy,
more so on the right side.
dark thick eyebrows.
sad eyes with long, luscious but straight lashes.
a perfect nose and a chiselled jaw.
a lean figure,with a slight uneven gait.
volatile and warped.
bastardy yet sweet.
intelligent yet silly.
stubborn yet giving.
paradoxical and complex.
my messed up perfection.

2006-10-12T02:03:00.001-07:00

have faith.
dont let everyone get to you.
trust me.
trust you.
you're in it with me.
whether you like it or not..

you're stuck with me.

:)

2006-10-07T01:24:00.000-07:00

she has gone a full circle and found a combination of everyone in him.

2006-10-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

a sudden cognizance that she doesnt know wtf she's doing.
backlock of work.
failed tests.
screwed up circadian rhythm.
broken promises to her dearest frens.

irresponsible.
negligent.

gosh manda.
how could you be so selfish.
shame on you.

rahhhh!

2006-09-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

found a packet of 3 in 1 teh tarik.
probably the last one from one of those last-sem-hall-"food"

i think drinking teh gives me a headache.

somehow every little thing will find a way back to -pauses-
heartache.
well not quite too.
just e memories of how eusoff hall was like for me.

i think i'll give you until 5pm.

met nic,anne n darren, dia n bernard last night.
make it this morning.
we're meeting later each time..
it starts off (in sec sch) 230pm at orchard mrt.
and as we grew older..4 plus, i would meet dia and jo at khatib before we head down town to meet e rest.
and slowly..we meet at 6 or 7 in the evening for dinner.
and then..it was 930pm at the kopitiam opposite zouk.
last night, it was 1130pm at clark quay.
i reached at midnight.

amanda's punctuality is legendary. :P

she remembers the wonderful things of being single when she's attached and
the wonderful things of being attached when single.
way to go.

to be free and have time for yourself.
to be totally unaccountable to anyone's feelings.
to not go through an emotional rollarcoaster and play those fucking mind games.
to hang out with your single pals, drinklaughgetwastedpukecrysnortsleepgiggledance
without anyone waiting for you.

to have someone around to hold and love.
to be the one taking care of somebody you cherish.
to be yourself and share your innermost fears and deepest darkest secrets.
to have company.
to have attention.
to be cherished and not easily replaced.
to settle down already.

there is so much more to life than having fun and being in love.
but without love and fun, life is but the routined doings of a mundane everyday.

im giving you until 530pm.
call me back.

2006-09-19T17:08:00.000-07:00

she walked in and saw rittersport chocolates.
a strange feeling came over.
she felt a compelling need to buy it.
not for herself, but for someone.
preferably someone special.
she was in one of those moods where she felt like being sweet.
but there was nobody to give, no?

complications may tie in and unravel....
unravel what?
there is nothing to unravel.
but as long as the sun shines,
tongues will continue to wag,
regardless of whether there is a reason to.

a platonic relationship.
is not an oxymoron rite?

buying chocolates,cakes,cookies,muffins,sweet nibblings.
i remember doing that for you. you. and you.
but the end to my goodwill....................
doesnt always turn out sweet.

2006-09-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

she can't remember the last time she felt such eager anticipation.
its ridiculous how she cannot stop smiling and gushing that she's going out.
more than overjoyed.
simply ardent.

perhaps its a mixture of how she hasn't been out in a while,
the thrill of keeping it secret,
that certain excitement of a rendezvous.
this playful dalliance.

it probably cannot replace what she had before.
but it's the closest she can get.
and its scarily comforting.

2006-09-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

i just realised how awful my blog skin looks with mozilla.
chey. thought i'll be a convert since mozilla is so cool and nice.
i dunno wads wrong..but my backgrd is white and the fonts suck.
hmm.
help anyone?

i haf quite a bit to share actually.
but i have a test tmr so i shall not digress.
anyway im not sure if its worth my time..haha.
interesting stuff though.
friends who haven heard from me in a while..
*points at you*
yes you my fren. the one reading my blog now.
if u haven seen me in since last friday..
well alot has happened.
not alot la..
but its sexciting k.
heh.
talk to u all soon.

meanwhile, can somebody tell me how to make my blog skin look beautiful with mozilla.
cos i realised everyone's one looks better with mozilla except me.
kns.

2006-09-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

anagrams!!!

the rearrangement of letters in a word,phrase or sentence to form another new word or sentence.

try it!

cheap thrills..
haha. able to occupy you for the next 10,15 min until you ran out of friends' names to try. heh.

my name rearranges to 'human, angelic ideal' :)
anne's name rearranges to 'Fawningly joint in mean fat.'
joyce's name rearranges to 'Rejoice! Lazy, able hot air.'

http://www.anagramgenius.com/server.html

have fun :)

2006-09-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

a little backdated.
but nevertheless,
here goes...

3 different posts for 3 different people.
stirring mixed feelings in me..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

i walked into class the other day unsuspectingly..
unsuspectingly?
then again manda..
u knew there was always that possibility...
you simply chose to ignore it.

its okay. you'll live. you tell yourself.

but when a coincidence happens twice..
you really wonder what are the odds of that happening.

i did what i would normally do.
i looked for you.
my then-pillar of strength.
oh man just as i type this-i see your nick popping up at my bottom right hand corner of my screen.
but so what.

i realised that while i can be all dramatic and think how sucky and how very unlucky i am,
sink into another bout of depression and wallow away in self pity..

i can also be as indifferent to all thats happening and take it all in.

----------------------------------------------------------------

ok i can blog more but i think its quite boring to be talking about the same damm thing over and over again.
another time then, when im feeling more emo.
right now my life is happily revolving around canoe polo.

kk i'll let the pictures do the talking.

team Best! :)

everybody everybody..the swimming pool is not that small. yes, it can fit so MANY boats.

girl's team with yidadada and matt matt.

junior girls. zazzt zazzt!!

unleash the water monsters. rahhhhhh!

ok. i heart polo. bye!

2006-08-31T01:46:00.000-07:00

one of the songs thats been on repeat for the past few days..

Sunny came home by shawn colvin.

Sunny came home to her favorite room
Sunny sat down in the kitchen
She opened a book and a box of tools
Sunny came home with a mission

She says days go by
I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire

Sunny came home with a list of names
She didn't believe in transcendence
It's time for a few small repairs she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance

She says days go by
I don't know whyI'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire

Get the kids and bring a sweater
Dry is good and wind is better
Count the years, you always knew it
Strike a match, go on and do it

Days go by
I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire
Light the sky and hold on tight
The world is burning down

She's out there on her own and she's alright
Sunny came home
Sunny came home...

Usually, the album cover is inspired by the music. In this case, it was the other way around, as Colvin's "Sunny Came Home" was inspired by this painting. It might be the most famous song featuring arson, beating out The Beatles' "Norwegian Wood" for the honor.

http://www.songfacts.com/songimage.php?id=3442

2006-08-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

about to attend her first thai 2 class.
decided to get her thai1 book out,
didnt want to appear too clueless in class.....

its funny.
she didn't think it would evoke such feelings again.
her insides twisted as her memory of thai words slowly jolted back..
she probably hasnt opened that book for 4 months.
has it only been 4 months?

still twisting and turning.
for a while, the pre-feeling of crying welled up inside.
madness.
she didn't know it still hurt.
she was certain....that she was way past this.

memories, have a strange way of hiding from you.
deceiving you into forgetting and letting go.
only to reappear at the most unexpected moments.
blowing you away and drawing you back into retrospection.

2006-08-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

i didn't know you could still make me grin like that.

2006-08-25T02:29:00.000-07:00

just today, someone told me i was a very special person.
at that very moment, i wanted to run away.

2006-08-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

and so it was only about 3 plus that she finally got to sleep.
she woke again at 7 in e morning.
before the alarm went off.
amazing.
wonders if it was the coffee that she drank with e girls last night..or the knowing of her misbehaviour on saturday that triggered off her insomnia.
funny,
she was never that sensitive to caffeine.
perhaps its the latter. oh it had to be..
but then again, she would have usually slept it away instead of lying awake, brooding over it.
she was hardly herself these days..

long day ahead.. class starts at 8 until 4.
and although there are long breaks in between,
she could not help but feel that it'll only serve to make her more tired, rather than relieved.
for her day could have ended a good 4 hours earlier.
talk by the health minister in the evening, followed by training at night.
just thinking about the plans for the day was enough to zap what little energy left of her.

headache.
she knew it.
it was bound to come, after all those sleepless nights.
pops in a panadol without thinking much.
probably need it to concentrate during pharmacy law lecture later anyway.

half an hour later, she starts to have runny nose.
argh.
her body never ever reacts well to panadol.
everytime she takes one, she always ends up sicker than ever.
in exchange for the headache to go away, she now has a dripping nose and an itchy throat.
so much for one-for-one.

could things get any better really?
but its really nothing much,
she is known for being overdramatic anyway.
7 more hours before her day is over and she can finally rest.
that is, if she can sleep tonight.

2006-08-22T02:37:00.000-07:00

what a terrible feeling.
to be totally exhausted but unable to sleep.
it can get so frustrating that you could cry.

oh somebody sedate me please.

2006-08-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

aftermath

never ever underestimate the effects of alcohol.
it takes a while for it to kick in.
and when it does, you'll be amazed by what it does to you.
and you'll wonder what possessed you to drink so much in the first place.

do not wear a dress.
do not try tequila shots after jim bean,vodka redbull, mixed with beer, followed by a pretty glass of lychee martini.
never assume that you are not high.
stop drinking when you start giggling.
doing a pull up on the dj console will not impress the dj.
nor will it make him wanna play your favourite shakira song.
always remember that alcohol is the amplifier of emotions.
do not shoot your mouth off.
remember what you think of drunk girls.
they are selfish party fools who make their friends worry and take care of them.
absolute killjoys.
remember what you studied about the effects of alcohol on the body.
it kills your brain cells, makes you lose control and vomit.
remember that the pH of stomach acid is 2, and when it travels up ur throat..
it kills everything there, plus it'll spoil your teeth which you paid $3000 for.
remember that you always make a fool out of yourself, and that you are not cute when drunk.
remember that the time you take to force your vomit out is enough for people to have supper at spize,go home, shower, sleep and have 3 dreams & 4 nightmares.
do not shoot your mouth off.
always remember that alcohol is an amplifier of emotions.
upset + alcohol = devestated, depressed manic.
happy + alcohol = overenthusiastic irritant.
do not shoot your mouth off cos you never know who's listening.
and it does not reflect what you think.
remember that you are an ABCDEF when drunk.
Amusing (and worse, at times Attention-seeking), Bimbotic, Confused, Depressed, overEnthusiastic Fool.
do not shoot your mouth off.
you forget what you say. you hurt people around you. you embarrass yourself.

remember that alcohol is a laxative, a depressant, makes you puke and gives you a hangover.
all good things are to be taken in moderation, so please remember that you dont know, and will never know, what moderation is. and you cant decide, and will never decide, whether alcohol is a good thing.

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth..
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt...

im refering to the alcohol that i puked out last night by the bushes.

2006-08-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

it is now
that i am pretending my boyfriend is out of town.
so that i will think
that i am loved by somebody out there.

..................................................................................................................

i am now reading abt the effects of alcohol on the body.
ironic.
because as i am absorbing the facts that i read,
my blood stream's alcohol concentration is slowly increasing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effects_of_alcohol_on_the_body

check it out.
makes u think twice about drinking....
perhaps until one-for-one begins.
;P

intoxicated..

2006-08-10T03:19:00.000-07:00

sober suppers.
can be quite fun.
you remember what you say
and you can taste your prata and maggie mee soup
without feeling like you might puke it all out 15 mins later.

e33 is now known as potongsamy.
thanks to perry.

and when she drinks alone at home,
its said to be that she is swimming at her house.
because she has a swimming pool in her humble 5 room hdb flat.

its 3am,
and i am basking..
in the rain,
memories of the past,
evoked by photos,
drinks,
and sad chinese love songs.
tao zhe and jay chou.

i miss my long hair.

gosh,loook. just look at how long it was..with waves at the ends.

ah wells.

according to bernice, chio means CHIO! haha.

k its late. and i have alot to do tmr. ciao peeps. :)

2006-08-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

my tribute to hello kitty.

i am a hellokitty fan. hahahhahaha.

and this birthday...i got a hello kitty shirt,balloon and towel! heh.
k im just showing off. i feel like one of those act-cute-ah-lians. all cutesy and pink pink.

this is amelia, everyone. er jie of the family. she, for the life of her, cannot understand why her older sis goes gaga over a cat with no mouth.

"ji-ti mao! ji-ti mao!"
"joakim! joakim!"
"oh nana so cute~~~~~~!"

i think these are e only 3 things tt make me squeal in delight.

hello kitty, joakim gomez. (haha,he's cute larrrr. such eye candy. woohoo!) ,and my cousin nana.

gosh she is so adorable i love her!

hardly put up pics on my blog. but guess im bored. its a friday afternoon~ lalala..least its something refreshing other than my usual emo entries. hee. i can start but i shan't. :)

2006-08-03T00:43:00.000-07:00

i crave the hedonistic life and a love supreme.

2006-07-31T00:15:00.000-07:00

i dunno why i want you but i do.

fell asleep on the sofa,and woke up angry.
may be its the heat tts causing it..or fatigue..?

i know why.
the last i remembered from my dreams was ur face.

strange.

is it the case of "the more you cant have it, the more u want it?"

out of sight out of mind?

nonsense.
haunting me in my dreams too.
in a different way.
in a way that i knew subconsciously...
i was probably thinking of you.

i dunno why i want you but i do.
a feeling so strong i can feel it running through my veins.
out of reach.
a feeling so strong i actually feel indignant about it.

wadthehelliswrongwithme.
noticethatthekeywordiswantandnotlikeofloveoranything.

rahhhhhhhhhh.

crap.
not emo,no inspiration to blog.

2006-07-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

canoepolobabes,matt,yida and chengyu celebrated my bdae for me at hollandv'snydc.
much love ya'll! ;))))))

okies! birthday pics without any bdae cakes below! the first pic is probably the only 1 that is not taken under the influence of alcohol.

spot lucky perry. 7 babes surrounding him. wad more can he ask in life really?

this is kenneth everybody. and i am wearing a dress! :)
shaun,perry,nic, bdaygirl and bryan. drinking by the river b4 gg into butter. cheapskate. haha.
as u can see..i have big arms and cheeks that are too rosy to be natural. dia,rena n adeline.
nicole..cause i cant be without you baby!

i do not remember taking this picture. but i do remember saying im buddha and that i wanna sit under the bodhi tree and set myself away from all earthly human emotions.

and actually...i dun remember them kissing me either. madness. why are we taking such pictures??? thats shaun and jonathan. rena and adeline's bfs. haha..iyoh.

shaun n perry!!! so cute rite..still high at spizes.

c'mon. lai lai..wo men qu lancing lancing! shakira shakira~

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have celebrated my birthday with nicole and diana all for the past 8 years.

on my 13th birthday- we went swimming at yck swimming complex. we went sliding on the baby slide. they got e bakery to specially bake a cake that was just full of cream to smash on my face. we created such a mess that e lifeguard banned us from that place.

on my 14th birthday- they got me 10 slamdunk comics. they wrapped it up with many many layers of newspaper. biggest present i have ever seen.

on my 15th birthday- my 1st bf. romantic tealight wordings all. dinner with my new boy and the girlies.

on my 16th birthday - we dined at chijmes. diana pretended to be angry with me for some silly reason and refused to come. so i was to think that only daryl n nic loves me on my bday. ha!

on my 17th birthday- we went seoul garden for dinner. my girlies with their bfs. dal n i. bernard n dia, anne and adriel,nic n marcus..all there rite? plus joyce,rena all..

on my 18th birthday - they collaborated with my mum n jeff. gave my room a makeover with jeff as a decoy. thus the beginning of house parties for all of us..

on my 19th birthday - all i wanted was to see jeff on my bdae. and my lovelies created magic that night and granted my wish.

on my 20th birthday - we clubbed and got pissed drunk. butter factory is situated by the river..bern,nic n i took turns being merlions that night.

wad a boring post. but its for memory's sake. i wanna remember every bdae i spent with u guys.

2006-07-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

let me tell you how a farked up feeling may feel like.

1) when you like somebody more than what the other party feels. or worse, when the like/love goes unreciprocated.

so fine..you get by. it sucks but u get by..............until u subconsciously decide to do sth.

like say u wanna go out with the person, but the other party is usually so unwilling anyway, and u hate being and feeling so desperate. so nvm. go out with someone else,like a friend.
ok..but u still talk to him abt it and perhaps u made e whole thing sound like u were asking him out indirectly. but actually thats not what u meant. because u already know he is gg to reject u, u were just merely stating your plans. and then he really rejects you. bingo! without u even blatently asking,"would u like to go out with me later?" and so u try very hard not to rebut "i din say i was going to go out with u." but both of u know that you really wanted to. you try very hard but u fail. so u still say it. u feel petty doing it and now he thinks u are trying to be funny, confusing ppl, drawing circles ard ppl's heads, beating ard e bush, being so typical girl,why-cant-just-just-ask-straight-away..yadayada.
and how will this end?
sour.
it ends off with a "wadeva.."
ugly ending indeed.

this is how a FARKED UP feeling feels like.

let me know continue to explain how a farked up combo may feel like.

2) its when there's a terrible sense of deja vu, and it din happen just once, (or twice or thrice..)
it happened countless of times to a few people.
wham! it hits you.
the sudden cognizance that its just you, who's e farked up one.
no one else to blame but yours truly.
u tell me farked up anot?

seriously.
i hate liking people.

instead of pursuing something intense,
i shall settle with monotony.
without any extremities.
no highs and lows.
simple.

but too late!
once u fall, u keep falling..
it never ends and u just want more and more,one after another.

knnbccb.

2006-07-22T01:39:00.000-07:00

dance me to the end of love.

current mood: not too high, with a slight tinge of melancholy.

maybe its cos its a saturday night. i thought ive gotten past e 'saturday night die die must go out' syndrome, but apparently not. ended work at 9. thought it would be nice to meet my bf, and then we can go catch a movie or sth.. but dun haf one and everyone is just...everywhere else.
one of those days...

come to think of it..
i've always thought its nice if i had someone come look for me after trng..or work..or school.
after trng..im like totally shagged out. e thought of my long journey home is just...bah.
and actually not only do i feel drained, i also feel very manja.
like i need some sayang and lovin. heh.
im such a baby,its gross, and im grossed out by myself.
ok..so its not just after trng..its anything.
after a long day's work when u feel really tired.
you just wanna return to e arms of someone u love,and loves you too.
aha! so this is the reason why people marry. i shall remember this b4 saying 'i do' when someone proposes to me.
"will these pair of arms welcome,comfort and love me when i need it?"

guess where did i go after work?
i went straight to guardian. i actually like that place.
ha..no la..went to get some medicine for my wart. its irritating e living shit outta me and i wanna amputate my hand. its located at such a strategic position. right at e bone, below e third finger on my palm. so it hurts when i paddle..argh. not to mention it bulges out and its ugly and gross and i dun dare to hold ppl's hands anymore. knnnnnnnnnn.

and then i window shopped at wadeva shops that remained open..and found myself walking towards esplanade.
stupid place brings back memories, yet none so vivid. maybe cos i refused to step there.
there was some performance by e waterfront. 4 ladies singing. nice..
they sang alicia keys "if i aint got you" (like okay..not e best song for a lonely girl like me,with all e couples and bigg groups hanging ard.) and then "superwoman". (like yay?)
so i was just standing there alone,den i sat down to listen to them. (yes, between everyone. i blended in la. i hope. but who cares)

i realised that i like being sad.
i enjoy e solitude?
i enjoy wallowing in loneliness?
and i'd rather sit there and appreciate their singing alone, all this while feeling sorry for myself..than have company.
some twisted thought right there.

oh did i mention that i eat whenever im upset?
i had a aunt annie's cinnamon raisin preztel..then a cup of corn. fattening.
im back to bingeing again.
oh lemme tell u about my eating dilemma that steph n i have.
we want to lose weight!
so we decided to eat less. (we decided to burn more calories than wad we consume)
but by eating less.....we died during trng.
no strength. a much worse feeling than feeling fat.
bahhh. i give up. im just gg to eat and regret only when i see more flesh bulging outta my jeans.

6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls..and sometimes all you need is 1.....just one.

2006-07-13T01:36:00.000-07:00

i found a picture of us..
those were e happiest days of our lives.

it was a photo of us-me,nic,dia,jo anne. in this order.
racial harmony day. 16 year old girls in peranakan tops.
carefree and happy.

i laughed at myself..wad thick bushy eyebrows.
jo laughed at herself..why e nose so big. so much prettier now.
we laughed at dia..her without makeup. small cute dia.
i looked at anne..and saw my best fren. atheletic & hardworking.
i secretly admired u, u know that girl?
and when i looked at nic...
my heart ached.

now i know why she hated J so much.
when i saw nic..
i almost hated yan n marcus for what they have done.
you hate her for changing me into what i am now, don't u nic?

its not that nic looked radically different n all.
she is still very pretty,attractive..
just that it takes an old fren and an old photograph to tell e difference.
u might haf thought that e sharper features were due to e loss of baby fat.
but an old fren will tell u its e lost of innocence.
how reality,life,the people we meet n love has done.
all e damage and the growing up too quickly-es.

i had a 'xin suan' feeling when i saw 16 yr old nic.
my heart ached for my fren.
and i finally understood how she was feeling for my case.

--------------------------------------------------------------

despite everything..
i still believe we deserve to be loved.
and we should love ourselves enough,to allow ourselves to be loved. instead of denying it.

i am not as jaded as the 1983s.

we already know life's a bitch.
so why continue being so hard on ourselves..

bleah.
i hate e fact that i can come up with sth inspiring to psyche myself up,
and den sink again e next bloody day.
but its ok la.
i know i haf people who love me.
me. even when im farkedup,weird,silly,and close to losing it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i had a fruitful day today.
i sent phae off at 8.
and i had BREAKFAST.

i miss spending time with dia,jo and bernard.
HILARIOUS.
k-LUNCH.
so u see joyce, karaoke rocks.
i haven laughed so hard in a very long time.
life is so simple with them.
spastic,crappy,heehee,haha.
just laugh n be merry.

pronounce 'temporary'.
simple? try again n say it 3 times.
do u say 'tem-po-ry'?
or pronounce every syllable? 'temp-po-ra-ry'?
why is "sugar" not pronounced 'shu-ga'?
going out with dia n ber can drive u crazy.

and just now they wanted to watch
"carrots and the parribean. dead can mhest"

we had chilli crab.
a moral dilemma.
they laughed at a P-plate smoker.
we spent 14 hrs tgt.
and that made me a happy girl.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i dunno if u ever wonder about how i feel about everything so far..
so if u ever read this..

i just wanna tell u that its ok and i dun hate u for what u are doing now.
i dun hate her either.

its just that everything just came at the same time...
shocked initally.
den acceptance. and its not a resigned kinda acceptance but a genuine one.
then i had another blow.
so how am i supposed to react when i see whats in front of me again?
not that my surroundings were helping..
plus i felt that my support was failing n no one was backing me up
cos im just being crazy n depressive again..
but i pulled through n got by anyway.

i dont hate you.
least..not for what u are doing now.
even if i do..
its how u made me think,ponder,question and over-consider every damm thing that comes my way.
n how a small part of me still feels like faltering every now n then.
when im not supposed to. anymore.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

today is the day i gave my heart(s) away.

by that- i mean my two 2 dollar notes folded into hearts thats inside my wallet.

one is a single heart folded by jeff.
means alot because..
well if u knew jeff u'll know why.
its a miracle he folded it.
so tts reason #1 why its so special. i dun even see it as money anymore.
and even after we broke up..it stayed in my wallet for almost a yr n a half.
because it still meant sth n i guess he still holds a special place in my heart.
and perhaps keeping it held some hope that we might get back tgt? i dunno.
but i gave it away today.

the other one is a double heart taught by emme.
i wanted to fold it for K.
but..
its ok.
i know hold to fold it without refering to it anymore anyway.
if its held within my memory..its there.

i guess it might be my way of letting go.
i haf a huge inbox of memories in my phone.
it might be the next to go.

set adrift on memory bliss of you..

2006-07-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

feeling alil whacked and fucked in the head..
wanna walk it all off into the night.

but its selfish.
because it wasnt my night.

im sorry people for making ya'll worry,
but u know there is really nothing to worry about.
especially when it comes to me.
its just that...sigh.
life's been a bitch to me lately.
just beautiful sunday alone i can name a couple of fucked up things that happened.

and so e fucked-up feeling carried on to monday..
and today is tuesday.
i cant wait for it to be better.
i cant wait to be happy again like mary freakin poppins.

i was cool, because i thought i had someone new too.
but on the very same day, my someone new wasnt here to stay..

2006-07-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

even if im okay about it,
its still very tiring to put up a brave front.

and because u girls are my bestest frens..
there is no need to put up a fascade showing that im ok.
but i dun like to crumble in front of ppl too..
so its ok. i'll just stay home n sleep.

i stress again.
i am okay.
and i thank you boy for being there to pick me up.
i would have been hysterical and hyperventilating..
i understand where u're coming from.
its easy to like but not easy to love.
sigh.

i marvel at my own superwoman coolness about things.
but it can be tiring at times.

today's horoscope on e straits times is so disturbingly zhun.

Rejection is protection. If that career or love interest did not work out, there is a reason why, although it may not be visible to you. The universe is working for you by blocking options that are not right.

kns. i dun usually believe in these. but its kinda freaky when its true.

2006-07-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

the reasons for the demise of my past relationships are mostly due to my unfounded insecurities,oversensitivity,thinking too much, sim peh* sim peh sim peh.

chillax! take it easy policy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

* sim peh- thinking too much for nobody's good that would only result in unnecessary worries and headaches and most importantly......creating more PROBLEMS for one's self.

on the other note..
i was searching my shelf for sth when i stumbled across afew items which i totally forgot about.

1) a 2 page long (4 sides) rant about myself. juggling my life between odac,school and boyfriend.
quite amusing. i kept cursing myself that i ought to be shot n banished to hell, for giving up someone who gave me as much love as his 17 year old heart can.

2) a red envelope with my name decorated with red and black beads.
made by denise teo. except it wasnt meant for me. haha. meant for amanda lin but she got pissed with her,so joyce said to give it to me instead.
how did i know all this? well she enclosed a pretty powerpuff note inside telling me. and added that she wld haf kept it if her name was "amanda". ha. how unknowingly insensitive,tactless and frank young 15 or 16 yr olds can be. heh.

3)a xmas card from daryl. with a note inside. nice. he was away in tokyo for xmas and he sent me e card enclosed with a cd that he burned for me. i think its a red hot chilli peppers cd. i so love them then. and still do now. thanks again dal.

4)my 15 year old birthday card made from a drawing block. signed by all my sec sch frens.
well-wishes and congrats about my 1st bf. ha!

5)nicely decorated postcards from melissa tan. we were so close then. hmm. darn that bloody camera. ah wells. frenships lost and gained. life. shrugs. no mood for philosophy-ing now.

6)my rantings about jeffrey before we were tgt. wad a lousy flirt i was. and how infatuated i was about him.

blast from the past.

2006-07-04T02:10:00.000-07:00

dear boy,
now that you haf found her, pls shower her with love,respect and attention.
love her for who she is and try to stop spotting the similarities between her and your ex-gf. because even though she knows that you din do it on purpose, she still feels hurt. but if you do anyway, its ok. just reassure her gently,instead of listing the reasons why she shldnt get upset over it. she is afterall, a girl. e fairer sex whose thought process is sometimes governed by emotions rather than logic.
please be patient when she takes a while to decide about things. she is not being fickle, but rather she is weighing her options and does not want to end up making e wrong decision. and when she asks for an opinion, answer her. instead of saying "up to u" because if she could decide she wun be asking in e first place.
reassure her all the time because despite everything she still gets insecure from time to time.
understand that she may at times act jealous and overly sensitive, but only because she has insecurities not because you are doing anything wrong.
please dont dismiss her "i think my stomach is damm big' or "my hair looks like a shaggy dog today" or "i haf a very ugly tanline". instead, reassure her n tell her u love her for who she is n not becos of her fabulous looks which she sometimes fail to see.
please do not shake your head and say "girls.." because it is very sexist and chauvinistic. remember that we are in the age where male and female are almost of equal status, but dont ever accuse us of being overly ardent feminist.
sometimes she may seem greedy and want to achieve alot in a day by juggling work,trng,frens and you. understand that its not about putting u last in priority, but rather its her wonder-woman way of trying to give everything that she loves with equal attention.
because we shld nv bail on our frens or shrink from responsibility in work/trng/studies or neglect our families.
please take good care of her. dont allow her to go hungry,send her home,hold her hand when you're crossing the road and when squeezing through crowds in a club, and most importantly make her feel loved.
treat her like a princess despite ur past failed relationships and undeserving ex-gfs. but please dont ever treat her like a small girl becos it is a different feeling from being cared for as a gf.
remember that no matter what funny tantrums she throws, she still loves you very deeply and promises to mend your wounds with kisses when you hurt urself playing soccer with the boys.
i hope this isnt asking too much of you because that girl is me.
Amanda Lee.
that with her insecurities, self-contradicting statements and fickle decisions..
she is opening her heart to you to love.

yours always,
amanda

2006-07-03T02:07:00.000-07:00

whirlpool of emotions.

treaded onto the forbidden site.
glad im out of it, else i cant imagine how i wld be feeling.

talking to mutou.
not as mutou as b4.
maybe the navy did you some good and loosened you up.
and then u just had to say "no wonder you left me"
-_-
ha! very funny.
as in at first i was "????!!!! wth. thats complete bullshit and u know it."
just a joke la.
the ability to poke fun at the past,
to be able to look back, smile and even joke about it.
i suppose its nice..
and perhaps even sweet...
thats we're still frens.
good frens, actually.
:)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i always thought that it would be nicer if someone told your bf/gf that they are lucky to have you,
rather than the other way around..that you were lucky to have them.

and today..
someone asked," so who's that lucky chap?"
someone close to my heart.
and it was...............
heart-warming.
coming from you.
the most unlikely person of them all.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i cant stand how i can be so manja.
nicotine-im so sorry if it left u feeling alil weird n unsettled.
gosh..thats totally unlike me.
but then again..maybe its so me.
clingy,touchy,feely,needy.
eww.

snugglings on the sofa.
stroking of arms.
holding of hands.
random forms of contact.
i never thought i was like that.

maybe the older i become,
i simply let myself go much more?
i hold back less-
loving like there's nothing to lose.
letting her guards down-
more receptive to emotions.
giving up the whole ice-queen demeanour.
shrugs.
thats amanda lee for you now.
well..if she likes you enough to let the walls around her fall.

amanda lee is a fortress,
surrounded by a moat and high walls.
guarded by dragons and fearless knights.
;)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

superwoman.
we are all superwomens in our own ways.
gd gf, gd fren, gd daughter, gd student, gd worker, gd team-mate.

dun worry nic..u're doing fine.
anyway ur job is now slightly easier with the merging of 2 grps wad.
ha..i suppose it works for me too.

juggling everything involves sacrifices.
this week-its for the people i love.
my best friend whom i've neglected for far too long.
the sweetest thing that hasn't happened in a long time.
my family.

superwomen we are..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my weekend has been so family-oriented.
i din meet my ketamine, which left me alil disappointed.
but it turned out okay cos i met my dad all for dinner at suntec.
house of sudanese food.
hey that place serves nice indo food.
but den again im a sucker for anything different and other than ur usual sporean local zhi cha/jap sushi/italian pasta/western fish n chips..and what haf u.

i woke up horrendously late today.
strange no one woke me up.
maybe the england-portugal and brazil-france match killed everyone in my family.
trng at 915.
i woke up at 1015.
swellll.
i was rushing ard e hse..which woke my parents up.
den my dad said not to go and visit my grams.
whom i haven visited since i started sunday trngs.
ah wells.

dimsum at east ocean restaurant.
quick shopping frenzy at far east for my sisters.
visited grandma.
slacked at uncle meng's.
napped at home.
watched the replay of the brazil-france match.
wanted to watch superman but i guess papa was too shagged.
and anyway we did enough for a sunday. haha..

it was nice..
to finally enjoy a sunday with my family..
without the usual fatigue from trngs and last minute rush of homeworks.
come to think of it..
thats wad i've been doing for e past sundays of my life.
missing out on family time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wow this is some long post.
machiam some random short stories thingy.
haha.

ok last one. comic relief from my sister.

my sister was talking to her bf beside me in my room.
cos she was on e desktop n me on my lappie.

and then she suddenly writes me a note,
"i cant believe im talking about his ex girlfren.
ohmyhell. turn off."

and then she shows me the "shhhh" sign.

-------------the end----------------------------------------------------

2006-07-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

here i am, at the singapore international jewellery show.
its just some jewellery exhibition at suntec. nothing fantastic if you're poor.
ha..
im standing in for marcus's sister.
yups.
and im blogging at e lounge.
everyday ard this time i will come in to sip coffee and nibble on butter cookies and eclairs.
last day today, decided to try out the free internet access.
gtg soon.
b4 the boss finds out that im eating snake.

money was never very very important to me.
but today i found out the lovely,beautiful things money can buy.
diamonds are a girl's best friend afterall.
but it wasnt diamonds that i was eyeing..
but the watches.
watches with gemstones,diamonds, mother of pearl faces and leather straps.
sigh.

if i was a rich girl..

2006-06-30T02:54:00.000-07:00

step outside the summertime's in bloom

http://archive-b02m01.libsyn.com/andteJl2m3abe2h1mHNtqW6sZXHH/podcasts/mb/tmbs-060501-the_persistently_non-political_podcast_no6.mp3

listen to this.
damm funny.
mr brown show.
thanks to my sister.
not hilarious,but funny enough.

my june is ending.
work. camp. work.
my feelings for the canoepolo babes?
对你爱爱爱不完.

camp..
lots to say, but a lapse of afew days...
my thoughts has failed to materialise into words.
in short,
the camp helped me in many ways.
other than polo-
i've gained much more than mere physical strength,tactical skills and "mind-over-body" determination.
much much more.
i may have just emerged a butterfly.

talking to phae now.
god i miss her.
like really.
and i really wished she din hafta go.
i really do not like ppl leaving.
but im not telling her that now cos i know it wun make her feel any better.

its not that i enjoy sinking into depression or melancholy.
i guess im quite a 'feely' person?
ppl's emotions tend to rub off on me.
typical of a girl.
i need im someone who needs plenty of assurance.
needy, clingy.
yes, im quite resigned to the fact that im actually like that.
i admit, much as i hate to.
i listen n selfishly..i link it all back to myself.
and i feel how you feel.
i feel your pain, disappointment..
i know how its like to be completely sucked dry..
how helpless and hopeless..

shrugs.
like em the strange, my heart went out to her.
but pick yourself up.
you are stronger than you think.

i moved but sometimes i feel like i haven griefed enough?
but its dumb cos i already moved?
and there is no point?
and no reason to anymore?
its almost like ive fooled everyone..but im ok!
weird isnt it?
in any case.
ketamine and nicotine forbids me to sink ever again.
i just gave you both toxic names. heh.
fine.
and i guess i ought to thank you both.

im sorry if its getting weird for u, but i hope it doesnt change anything.
friends forever.
sounds like how delinquents would vandalise on the playgrounds,canteen benches and behind bus-seats.
except in our case..
its gonna last till the day we die.

i hope we continue leading our lives pretty much e same as b4..
but with a lovely,non-intrusive addition to our otherwise almost complete lives.

2006-06-17T01:58:00.000-07:00

UNBELIEVABLE.

curiousity killed the cat.

2006-06-16T01:40:00.000-07:00

how much do you care about what people think?

that is the question.

its not easy to fuck care everything and do whatever you want.
if being in it has taught me anything...
it is to fight for what you want,what your heart says..
against all odds..and standing alone.
and its really regardless of the end result.

i care about what people think.
that is why i am so elusive in my blog.

the problem.

not getting in is not the reason for her absence.
she doesnt want people to think that its because of a certain person too because its not true.
it is not about a certain person.
rather it is the memories it evokes,and what the future might be in afew days time when she returns.
it is everything that will come rushing back to hit her like a belated tsunami tidal wave shit threatening to crash down on her and sweep her off completely.
like an ancient volcano accumulating vile lava,about to erupt-and now is already spilling small spurts of lava to boast of its destructive power.

fuck im damm drama.
n im getting carried away.

ok back. and now there's a slight change in plan.
i call it a butterfly effect.
because it totally threw me off.
another reason to perhaps stay n fight?
but is it worth it.....
undeserving me.

if its merely for experience and exposure-its taking up quite a bit of time isnt it?
maybe its worth it if you consider long term..
but then another question pops up-
are u up for long term?
and can u make it up next time?
your life revolves around it.
u plan everything else to fit with it.
at e same time u are unwilling to sacrifice everything else too.
family,friends,fun,love,work,life.
greedy thing u are..wanting the best of everything.
so you maximise your 24 hours.
wore you out.
fatigue.
slowly u begin to question why u even try so hard.
especially when there are 2 reasons less for u to do so now.
take a day as it goes.
and everyday u dread travelling alone at night.
and everyday u gotta think.
because its q.i.w.
because u feel differently everyday.
because each day is 1 day closer to the returnth of 2 impt ppl in ur life.
2 who will change things.
2 who exert opposite influences.
poo of a fren..i need u more than ever.
i wish someone would tell me the right thing to do,but its sth i gotta figure out myself.

how much do u care about what people think?
strangers? u fuck care.?
friends? depends on who n how close?
family? they are everything despite how lovingly annoying n irritating n naggy they can be.

being into things that are different from the norm is not the reason for certain things that happen.
but im not even there yet.

sigh.

a fren's words cannot stop ringing in my mind.
e more i listen to her echo..
and allow myself to return to e times when we were tgt..
the more truth her words hold.
and it sucks.
when i allow myself to pry and interpret it the way that would prove my point and make me sad.
no i do not enjoy basking in depression.
i am not depressed.
im not completely healed.
and i know that,
despite everything else that is appearing to be fine.
because i broke down again the other day and my life came to a standstill for a night.
i dread how things would be like when i see your face and the way you would behave.
i wanna run away-
but i care about what people will say remember?
so i stay?
no..im sitting at e edge now..
sigh.
push me.
somebody.
please.
so that i do not hafta decide which side to fall.

themoreithink,theworseifeel.
ithelpswheniputitdowninwords..

rightnowiwishyouwereherebesideme,
holdingmeinyourarmswhileislowlydriftofftosleep.
feelingsafe,withoutacareintheworld.
mydearyoucouldbemyeverything.

2006-06-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

i hate the fucking fact that you can turn me round and round, inside out and wringed dry like a wet cloth.

for everything that you were not sure about what you were in and what you have given anyway.

2006-06-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

i am fine..
but maybe one last cry.

talking about it sometimes feel like the reopening of a healing scar.

sometimes when i slip,
i think its due to habit.
not the habit of sleeping but the habit of the life i've led-
the habit and easyness of certain things rolling off my tongue..
the habit and familiarity of how things use to be.

ah but it wasnt a long period of time anyway.
in any case..give me time.
and im sure you will. :)
i'll live..
and most importantly.............
i'll heal.

perhaps all that im feeling is just-
alil cheated.
alil unjustified.
alil naive.
alil foolish.
alil too emotionally open, and receptive about everything.

time.
dilutes.
time.
heals.

people.
help.
in a different way.

you, my dear.
is a different thing altogether.

slow and easy.
nice and slow.
pacing.

sometimes i feel like im just merely convincing myself.
because, deep down....
and when left alone..
when left to think,
i still wanna have my one last cry.

2006-06-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

after rereading the prev post..
feedback.

why does my attempt at sth abstract turn out to sound so sexual?
ahh..maybe sensual.

:)

conclusion:
one cannot function normally with only 2 hours of slp for 56 hours.

2006-06-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

because everything starts from
hands.

brushed
fingers
lingered
caress
closer
touch
uncertain
stroked
lips
felt
neck
tentative
hesistant
beautiful stranger
fondness
grazed
lips
dawn
smile.

2006-06-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

pop quiz.

part I)
guess who's NOT leaving?
guess whose reaction was delayed?
guess who couldn't stop grinning like an idiot?
guess whose cheekbones would rise every few seconds for no rhyme or reason?
guess who's petname resembles a bloody recruit?

bonus point: wad is the petname?

part II)
eg. lyrics is to song as words is to text. (ok,actually i dunno if this is true but u get wad i mean rite?)
another eg. doctor is to human patients as vet is to animal patients. (yeah.sth liddat)
if nicole is to hps, then amanda is to____?

ok.pls exchange answers and discuss with one another.
that will be all for today.
class dismissed.

i think teaching the subject-AMANDA is damm easy.
all u readers shld ace it. haa..

i maximised time on friday and saturday.
sleep little and do alot.
[friday]
0000h-0300h: online and phone.
0300h-0830h: sleep.
0930-1830h: work.
2000h-2300h: trng.
[saturday]
0000h-0200h: wasting time n deciding wad movie to watch at nic's
0200h-0330h: closer.
0330h-0830h: lie away and enjoy. snooze..
0930h-1830h: work.

random insertion-
it must be because i WANT to, and not because i NEED to.
because i actually want it to be real and not a walkthrough/followthrough/cheatcode.

random insertion II-
you still haunt me in my dreams, and you were always leaving.
i still get by, until i pry and/or hear from you.
so please...to all my frens out there.
if ever you catch me falling into that hole of depression,
SLAP me out of it and PULL me out.

random insertion III-
you make me smile, happy even.
i actually wait.
i actually feel some need.
weird.

random insertion IV-
this is not exactly very random because my mind works this way.
it jumps.
get used to it.
ok. now for the real random thing IV-
i dreamt that i was serving noodles, cooking noodles.
fcuk. hey i do that for 8 hours and i still dream of it with wad LITTLE slp that i haf LEFT??!!
(by the way, i feel really down to earth selling soya sauce. haha. cant believe im actually doing it.
cant believe that i do not cringe when my frens see me selling it. aint ashamed at all.
maybe its e mummy effect. and by the (2nd) way, i tend to judge ppl. i just KNOW and can tell whether they're gg to buy or just plain greedy. the words "I AM GREEDY" is really written on their foreheads. ask weiwei. :) )

ok. i really tired.
running on 2 hrs of slp after a long day of work, bad trng day,a day of emotional highs..
continued by another long day at work...
is damm draining.
cant wait much longer.
trng n work again tmr.
im pushing my limit.
bleah.

sweetheart im about to slp.........

2006-06-02T00:56:00.000-07:00

i think i am actually crying inside.

part of me is comforted that at least u're opening up to somebody..
yet another part wishes it was me instead.
part of me knows i probably should withdraw before i get too addicted to you..
yet another part of me just want to act according to what the heart says..
regardless of reason or logic.
part of me wishes to let go,move on and let everything be but a loving memory..
yet another part of me knows that you will never EVER be replaced in my heart.

get out.
stay.
rahh.

whirling in confusion.

i love you.
but i cannot be like you.
so im letting go now...

i like you.
yet you're like a balloon,
loosely tied around my hand threatening to be blown away by the winds...

what is this feeling..that im experiencing?
'cause i cant stop smiling..

i like you, probably want you. but why do you hafta go?
your msg is etched in my mind and it keeps echoing..
i want to bury my troubles away with smiles that you gave me..
and the smiles that i've returned.

i think im crying inside.

2006-05-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

ephemeral joy.
fleeting indulgence.
momentary bliss.
fugacious mirth.
evanescent comfort.

well but if tomorrow never comes, then it would be forever isn't it?

why do you always do such things?
why cant you put yourself on defence mode instead of putting yourself on the line?
why do you enjoy predicting your downfall and acting exactly on it?
why don't you learn that the deeper you fall, the harder you'll land?
why do you enjoy getting hurt?
why can't you love yourself more to prevent all that emotional baggage that's soon to come?
why do you want your heart to bleed one more time?
just for some fleeting spell of happiness and excitement?

i aint falling, im just tripping.

and right now, im basking in it.
shant give 2 hoots to tomorrow.
live for today. yeah!

im going to start work tmr.
can u sense my excitement.
bleah.
18 days will pass me by.

im sick now.
really.
i have 4 different types of medication and 4 days MC to prove it.
i aint faking ok.
yet tonight................... :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i am still afraid to watch and listen to ____.
i wish i was braver.
i wish i could stop seeing memories of us.
i wish i could see memories of us and not haf a sour feeling in my heart.

if only i could pluck you out, like an unwanted strand of white hair.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

2006-05-30T02:42:00.000-07:00

life sucks.
you gotta fight so hard for everything.
does this statement make me sound like some lazy person who wishes everything she ever wanted wld just fall from the sky?
hey u dun even know half of wad is happening, so dun be too quick to judge.

what i really wanna say is:
dont go cause there might be the slightest possiblity that we could work this out.
that even though nothing is confirmed,no one said anything about liking each other..
and you are still very much hung up over your ex (why is everyone like this?!)
and i may still be sore over what happened to me.. (but i believe time dilutes everything)
and i swore never to get into this kind of unfinished business shit ever again..
and this might just be a replacement for the both of us..(or the greatest love of them all)
and even if my dad said he'll kill me until i die..
and even if your mum nags that all of your gfs are chinese..
(im not racist. to me, we all belong to the same race-the HUMAN race)
and also despite the fact that im far too similar to your ex.
stay.
give almostnothing and whatcouldhavebeen a shot.

but seriously,who would say this kinda thing?
it holds almost no hope.

besides im not one who ties people down and makes them forgo a chance for a brighter future.(or so wateva e promise of a good education leading to a better future holds)
(and as if i have such power over people's decisions)

go go G. O. go.
to whats right.

i have a bad tendency to deviate away from the norm and towards the deviant.
really.
i should stop.
i like things different.
i like my people unique.
i dig non-conformities.

life is a battle.
fight for a deviant love.
fight for true love.
fight for your future.
fight for your happiness.
fight for survival.
fight for rights.
fight for being true to your heart.
fight for what you want.
fight for who you are.
fight.

i think im crazy.
i dun know wad i want.
im fickle, and impulsive.
i fall quickly, deeply.
and perhaps as quickly as i fell, i snapped out of it.
wadeva e case..
i shall await the day where you would sweep me off my feet
and fall head over heels with me.
so im waiting for you.
whoever you are.

lovelorn as usual..wad to do..
its 2.42am in e morning. :)

2006-05-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

pulau ubin.
anticipation of-
kampung chicken.
prawn fishing.
bbq.
cold beer by the sea.

hopes dashed.

-_-'''

kampung chicken? scrap that.
thanks to bird flu.
live prawns? scrap that.
thanks to the govt, trying to reform the place, they have all SWARM away.
bbq? scrap that too.
the environmental park ppl disallowed that already.
cold beer? haha.
cold beer in the heavy rain?
with no shelter?
walking in the mud?
nahhhhh.

so we moved the party to another fren's house.
bbq,booze,babes, bass-music and baboons. (ok i was kidding abt the last part)
lotsa booze.
because they hardly ever meet in the day, hence they decided to do the ubin tripp.
but thanks to the weather and the spore govt..it was cancelled.
and sooo.........
everyone started drinking early.
what usually begun at 10 at night..enough to last till 2,3,4am and den u go home n suffer a hangover the next moring......
was brought forward to 5pm. (3pm for some,which began at the coffeeshop while waiting for the rain to stop)

so most of us were high by 9/10pm. (haha,so early)
gone by 11 sth 12.
(loser shits like me,and nic and half the party who retreated upstairs to lie on the bed and take turns hogging the toilet)
sobered by 1 sth 2.
(duh. after puking n falling aslp n cryingyourheartsout n pounding headaches n racing heartbeats n long talks n even longer times of squatting by the toilet bowl waiting to throw up)

i saw frens who will be there through-
thick and thin.
highs and lows.
scandals and flings.
beer and barcardi.
vodka and jim bean.
johnny walker and tonic water.
(ok i know u get the picture)

amazing.

imagine how it would be like if i were to be part of it.

a strange fondness.
unsure if its for real.
i would like to abide by the policy of 'take it easy'
to play and not fall.
to be a heartbreaker and not the heartbroken.

i would like.
but..

for me, im not like that.
and for you, its different.
we're not born to play.
we're born to love.

a strange fondness.
unsure if its for real.
or but a passing fad.
of which nothing might materialise.

2006-05-27T01:19:00.000-07:00

emo spasm.

that familiar feeling sweeps up again.
that sinking feeling.
that heart-wrenching, stomach-churning feeling..
that ache..
ooh that ache beneath my left chest..

music evokes memories.
like a teaspoon, stirring my cupful of memories.

"nobody knows where they might end up..nobody knows..."
soundtrack of grey's anatomy playing in the car.
flashback on how i spent my lonely monday nights in hall..
how i waited for your reply, watching my favourite show to numb the pain of waiting.
how i could relate so well to meredith grey in the show..
how i took long walks alone around school, fag in my hand, transponder in the other.

sitting in the same car, except it wasnt yours.
stared at the empty dashboard..when my eyes started to play tricks on me..
for a while..i saw your copulating bunnies and mini wooden thai boxers.
looked down..at the gearstick. and i hate what my mind wants me to see.
i see your hands on mine.
and so it was getting more painful by the minute, i did what i always do whenever i feel lousy in the car.
i looked out to the side window, and i could almost hear you saying,"baby,wads wrong?"
because i always look out whenever i feel lousy. as if a change in view would help erase how i was feeling.
terrible. fine. shall look ahead.
driving past the familiar route,
where we used to go wherever we wanted regardless of the time.
town for dinner or to shop, ikea to have meatballs, home, esplanade to watch a play..etc.
painful. i can feel the tears welling up in me,threatening to spill.

and then the song changes. ne-yo's so sick.
i see myself on A2, the following morning after that fateful night.
was playing the exact same song,and i wished the bus would crash.

"Im so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be"
this line is especially bad.

and then, the song stops abruptly. changing to some feel-good hiphop bass-heavy music.
"its too late in the night for sad songs" grinned emme.

as quickly as my emo spasm came, it left.
the pain subsided, my mind was no longer clouded with visions of you and me.
im moving on..
and honestly, i am good.
im faring well. and i hope you are too.
regardless of the way things are now between us.

爱过你..
是我一生难忘的美丽回忆.

bangkok babehh!!!!

2006-05-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

guess who's back? :)

im back from bkk and i wanna go back againnnnn.
sigh. suddenly i feel like i haven bought enough.
when compared to kim's 14 tops and liling's 20 tops and dresses.
NOT ENOUGH.

i only got 8 tshirts,out of which im giving afew away.
i think the reason why i have less shirts is becos i spent money on lots of "wu eh bo eh" (miscellaneous crap)
i bought 3 carpets, 2 clocks,a cloth hanger..
who buys these stuff? me.
i would have bought back a chain of lights if not for the plug which isnt compatible with spore. darn.
a chain of lights shaped in flowers, to make my room look like secret garden. sigh..
i really love shoping at chatuchak, even tho its so chak chak,dirty,hot,stuffy,dusty..
they have realy good stuff there! and i love household decorative useless stuff. i go crazy looking at them. (while kim n kossy goes crazy at anything tts priced at 100 baht)

here's my loot people! very modest already..as compared to e rest of e canoepolo babes.
not alot right??
now u get why i wanna go back to bkk! land of smiles! sin city which embraces diversity!!!!!

these are my carpets!
i so heart them.
woo hoo! gay pride!
strawberries!
and that mule/hippo/eeyore/cow looking animal is for yida. haha. cos steffy poo n i got him a keychain tt looks like that.

jeans for S$26! eat ur hearts out! doesnt it look tattoo-ish/rock-ish/cult label-ish/ED HARDY-ish? its straight cut and tight, sth which i literally hafta suck in to button the button and peel it off my legs to remove my jeans. my motto for jeans (and really for any clothes in particular) is
if it aint tight, it aint right. ;)

here's a close up of the pocket which im sure everyone is dying to see.
embellished with embroidery.
inside the pocket!
subtilty, not in your face like "nahh! im some fake cult label jeans. i hope u get sick of my sewn-on flowers soon and not wear it and waste money!"
ok i know there's a funny red tag there. but its ok :) $26. im not complaining and i can alwez cut it out.

this shop is really cool..they do alterations for free and from wad i heard from liling n sweet (who has problems buying jeans due to their body-shape) that e lady there can find one or customise one so that its perfect for you. FREE! cool. except that i bought mine in a hurry. like in a matter of 10 min. i've got a plane to catch back home den! so i just tried,chop chop, buy.

ok the thing i want u guys to see is the clocks! i love my hot pink retro clock that looks like lego. and i LOVE that white cube! do u know it can change colour? like it slowly glows from green...to orange..to blue...from within? wow.

i love spiderman. nuff said.

and the rest are just pretty,boring stuff.
nothing much to boast.
just that there's almost all mine. :)

ok, i must show that i really went thailand and not shopping in bugis village. so here's some temple pics!

us in retro sunglasses.
everybody..this is kimberly faye spykerman.
wad a cool name. (unlike lee ling chiu. but actually i like my name)
but really, she is just some cheena PORK. ni men bu jue de ma?

we had half the heart to tell the uncle to take a break, switch off the engine, and then we'll whip out our paddles and row along chao praya river.
nahhhhh.....
siao. we're on a holiday! as if trng 4 times a week isnt enough.
oh these are my room-mates btw.

woah. buddha. BIG.
its really quite a sight. i was alil scared when i first saw it.
damm big can!
woah. buddha. BIG.

amanda didnt go bkk with the babes, she went with emily the strange.
i spent almost all of my time with this girl. hee.
shopping partner and bed-mate. hah!

isnt she cute? muahahha.

these are e rest of the crazy ppl. where is sweet anyway? oh right. she's e camera-girl. sorry girl! notice the sting-ray? tts matthew. and the bear? tts ariel. their representatives! they came to bkk with us!

madcrazyus. in a van. onajoyride.

ok. tts about all the interesting pics i have. we are camera whores,but they're not in my cam!

day0: landed and had late dinner. very spicy tomyam soup and noodles. proceeded to 7-11 where we got our beer Chang and singha beer. come to thailand must drink thai beer and coke in bottles which we wanna kope home.

day1: come to bkk must see chao praya river. must see temple. but being urban kids, we soon got bored. come to bkk must eat by the roadside where the portions are small and so we wun get fat. come to bkk must get cheated, and so we did. some funny guy who speaks funny english, who bluffed us that e grand palace was closed. come to bkk must experience the fabulous driving skills of the taxi drivers, who will cut 2 lanes just to be side by side with kim's taxi so that we can roll down our windows and say hi. come to bkk must take advantage of the foreign exchange fate tts in our favour so we watched da vinci code at $4. come to bkk must watch movie cos they would play a short clip of the homage to their king, where u hafta stand up and sing if u know how. come to bkk must visit red-light district-patpong. but no we din see any thai girl shows where they shoot pingpong balls,open beer bottles, and pull out razor chains from their pussies. oh i go-karted for the first time. like those f1 indoor kind. coolness.

day2: chattuchak. where i realised that my thai has failed me terribly. went crazy with everything i saw and never bought anything by itself. bought almost everything in doubles,or worse triplets. met samson n november (my thai1 classmates), dined by the river and went up to his condo to watch dvd and drink. as if i cant do all that in spore. and then tested the safety of bkk taxi drivers by making my way back to e hotel alone. it was 1:42am when i got back. (well i shared a cab with nov, but she got off first)

day3:u can nv finish walking chatuchak. so continue..den MBK. shopping centre. air con! civilisation! but its like those old school kind. think ur thomson shopping centre,those malaysia kind. din really like it, but i got 2 belts and a watch there.

day3: sudden realisation that we're leaving. so we did speed shopping. 1 hour at MBK. not bad manda, u managed to grab another 2 belts, a bag and a pair of jeans. rush rush back to e hotel den rush rush to the airport.

budget terminal sucks. do you know that u walk to the plane? there is no aerobridge. and do u also know that if it rains u also walk to the plane? there is no shelter? and the luggage will be wet when they transport it inside for u to the converyor belt? yups. tts wad happened when we landed in spore. no wonder the other budget airlines chose NOT to move to budget terminal. so lesson learnt. if u wanna take an budget airline, choose everything else but TIGER AIRWAYS.

ok thats about all!

i heart bkk!

utter madness. html crazy.

2006-05-17T04:17:00.000-07:00

i have spent the last 3 hours working on my blog skin.
it aint the most perfect or beautiful thing around..and i hate to leave it hanging liddat..
but its 4am.

madness.

i think im crazy.
enough of staring at html.
i had a long day at trng..gym plus pool slot.
(45 laps,sprints,weights..rahh! im a she-male-testosterone fueled mean muscle machine.)
now my eyes are seeing html-coded stars.
bahhhh!
im crazy!
ok. wil continue another day.

oh and btw, that hahaha person on my tag board is beginning to piss the shit outta me.
its 4am and im angsty,angry and intolerant.
im gonna ban that ip address so that hahaha can no longer tag me.
i have half the heart to screw the person upside down when i remembered that it may be my fren. probably a close boliao fren.

and to all those who's been asking my frens stupid qns..fcuk off. :)
there. i feel much better already.
all the angst rid of.
nights people!
im gg to see the chengs tmr! tata~

2006-05-16T03:09:00.000-07:00

woohoo! i just learnt how to post pictures up my blog.
im really not an it-savvy person. (thanks tin for teaching me. haha)
ok, everybody..this is steph. my happy 1 friend.
and i miss her like crazy cos she's in germany right now.
steph is part of the Happy 3 friends.
lame rite? but its really not.
happy 3 friends consist of steph,yida and i.
guess who's the genius who came up with this name? haha*wink wink

and since im at it..might as well post up more pictures. im sure u ppl will be most pleased. :)

ok introducing the happy 3 friends! haha.

ok i gif up. takes very long to upload. *grumble grumble*

found this in phae phae's blog. i love phae. one of the special favourite few ppl whom i absolutely love. (the kind whom i can forgive and accept almost wadeva they do,and love all their kooky,weird, one-of-a-kind ways) phae, i know u stupid shit wld be beaming if u read this but i dun care. haha. its sth u shld know anyway. *muacks*

1.Bold the following words that are true about you,

2.GREEN! the things you wish were true,

3.add one thing true about you

4.RED! your own comments

I miss somebody right now. (how about some people?)

I don't watch TV these days.

I own lots of books.

I wear glasses or contact lens.

I love to play video games.

I've tried marijuana.(it's heaven on earth!) (i guess its sth everyone shld at least tryonce in their life. haha, artificial high)

I've been in a threesome. (unfortunatedly, im very conservative in these areas. sex is a beautiful union between 2 ppl, sth sacred..yada yada *preach :P)

I've been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (i choose to believe that im NOT)

I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (usually rite?)

I curse sometimes. (when provoked and when there's a need. quite duh)

I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.

I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

I'm TOTALLY smart. (i wish.->for the green part. and i bolded it cos i think its true! haha. contradicting but i dun care)

I've broken someone's bones. (how abt someone's heart?)

I'm paranoid sometimes. (almost all the time. im a firm beliver in murphy's law)

I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost and scar-free.

I need money right now.

I love sushi.

I talk really, really fast/unclear. (used to i think)

I have long hair. (oh right i just cut it. )

I have lost money in Las Vegas.

I have at least one sibling.

I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. (im real. ok but my teeth isnt.)

I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.

I like the way i look. (sometimes, when im alone, with no one else to compare. haha.)

I am usually pessimistic. (actually half half. depends)

I have alot of mood swings. (it changes with the ppl im with and the sights and sounds that im exposed to.)

I have a hidden talent. (i do. i do. i do. i agree with phae, its also hidden from me)

I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have. (it aint the sugar baby, its the company ;))

I have a lot of friends. (its more than the number of fingers that i haf)

I have pecked someone of the same sex.

I enjoy talking on the phone.

I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.

I love to shop. (money shld fall from the sky or grow on trees)

Enjoy window shopping.

I would rather shop than eat. (not true)

I don't hate anyone. (i really dont,ah but love and hate is such a fine line..sigh. lets not go there)

I'm a pretty good dancer.

I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.

I have a cell phone.

I believe in God.

I watch MTV on a daily basis.

I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.

I've rejected someone before.

I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.

I want to have children in the future. (i think my kids will die or go crazy. i'll be one hell of a psycho mum, with high expectations and all)

I have changed a diaper before.

I've called the cops on a friend before.

I'm not allergic to anything.

I have a lot to learn.

I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.

I am shy around the opposite sex.

I have made a move a friend's significant past or crush in the past.

I own the "South Park" movie.

I would die for my best friends. (hey u guys reading this? i'll die for you.)

I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.

I have used my sexuality to advance my career. (ha! how i wish ooze such sexuality. but even den, nahhhh. im ethical. ahah)

I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. (dude, u make the rest of us look normal. thank god for you)

Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. (halloween is awesome becos u get to dress up la silly)

I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.

I have dated a close friend's ex.

I am happy at this moment! ( i wish i could say that and mean it)

I'm obsessed with guys.

I am punk rockish.

I am preppy. ( i wish to anything that is different from the rest, anything that deviates from the norm and shouts out oneofakind)

I study for tests most of the time.

I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone i've ever met. (how many ways can u tie ur shoelaces? anyway its more convenient to just tuck it in)

I can work on a car.

I love my job. ( i am going to say that when i go out and work next time)

I am comfortable with who i am now.

I have more than just my ears pierced. ( wow, i actually feel kinda cool bolding this)

I walk barefoot wherever i can.

I have jumped off a bridge.

I love sea turtles.

I spend ridiculous money on makeup.

Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.

I'm proficient in a musical instrument.

I worked at MacDonald's restaurant.

I hate office jobs . (love the 9 to 5 part. but will probably hate the workload and politics)

I love sci-fi movies.

I think water rules.

I went college out of state.

I like sausages. (in fact i hate them. do you know its just crap,leftover meat squashed tgt into a long thing? but i eat them when i haf to)

I love kisses. (i shall not go into how deprived i feel smt without them)

I fall for the wrong people. ( and i fell deep)

I adore bright colours. (rainbow babehh!)

I can't live without black eyeliner. (thank god. but i just invested in one. heh.)

I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.

I usually like covers more than originals.

I can pick up things with my toes.

I can't whistle.

I can move my tongues in waves, much like a snakes slithers. (and then be damm pro at kissing. wait a sec, i AM damm pro at kissing)

I have ridden/owned a horse.

I still have every journal i've ever written in.

I can't stick to a diet.

I talk in my sleep.(i hope not)

I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distraction. (i wish.)

Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.

I have jazz in my blood.

I wear a toe ring.

I have a tattoo.(i wish. and then it'll be a phoenix,but phoenixes are usually not pretty, in fact they are like the female version of the dragon-cheena looking and quite lian-ish. and anyway i cant decide where to put it. and besides my mum threatens to disown me all the time if i say i wanna haf a tattoo. but its ok. im not desperate for one anyway.)

I can't stand at LEAST one person i work with.

I am a caffeine junkie. (eh as in in coca cola?)

I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.( i know, but i dun)

I have been to over 15 conventions.

I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.

I'm an artist.

I only clean my room when necessary.

I like a person of the same sex.

I love being happy.(stupid qn. im getting bored n cynical n tired. this is taking forever)

I am an adrenaline junkie.

I have riden an elephant

I love chocolates and crowns!

I go to school NOT for the sake of lessons.

I can't ride a bicycle. ( i cnat turn. i can balance. i can go str8)

I have/have tried to cut myself.

I think i'm the only person crazy enough to do this at 6 in the morning without any sleep for the night. ( its 3 dammit)

I feel crazy.

I love tomatoes!!

I like peanut butter on bananas. ( nv tried it. maybe tmr)

Been told "you're on fire!". (yeah cos im damm hot)

I'm a netballer.

I believe in Serendipity.

I'm hoping he'll save the last dance for me.

i wish i were more brave and truth is: i know i have no one to blame but myself for being this screwed up (wad a way to end this..so so true. but its ok! i emerge a better person. i will rise again like a mighty phoenix.)

im dead-beat. ok. cheerios ppl. i love you all. especially you. no matter how big or small a part i play in your life.

yours truly,

Amanda.

2006-05-04T02:44:00.000-07:00

when pain becomes strangely therapeutic
and talking to a pharmacist relieves some of your pain.
when you still feel strong today.
when you didn't think the strength would last for more than 24 hours,
much less carry over to the next few days.
when you fear that it'll leave you unexpectedly,
leaving you vulnerable and left to die again.

but we have an untapped source of power within us that is limited only by our will;
have an indomitable will, and u have unlimited potential to conquer.

inspiring? i thought so too.
i din realise that i have an obsession with being strong.
well i din realise that i could be bi-polar,
or that flat-chested people can still get breast cancer,
or that i would be interested in the current elections,
or that i may one day fight for same sex marriages in singapore.

guess you dont realise many things till its in your face.
guess you dont treasure many things till its taken away from you.

right..i digress
i dunno how my fren somehow managed to link being strong with kenshin.
remember that japanese anime?
how i would religiously watch it everyday at 6pm on axn.
how i would not miss an episode or get darn upset about it?
how i would rush home from any part of singapore just to watch it?

reminds me of secondary school ij.
when i was 14.
when we were in the tech block and went to the toilet after every period,
and laughed at topless old man smoking by their windows.
when we walked from school to the bus interchange to take 73 to nicole's/phae's/joyce's house to...i cant rem what we did.
when we hang out at toa payoh entertainment centre macs after school and did our homework or spend what-seemed-like-forever there, yet still make it home for dinner.
when having a $1 coin means saving it for neoprints later.
when i could fork out $2/3 for neoprints but no money for lunch.
when i could go to town with dia with only 20cents in our pockets and still strud around town as if we were princess in blue pinafores.
when homework was a breeze for me and when mtv pagers were the coolest thing you can ever own. and hiding them without getting caught during spotchecks meant you fought and won the system known as school rules,prefects and jo teo. (gosh i miss her)

i know ive posted sth nostalgic n similar before.
oh but let me reminisce b4 i grow old and forget.

ive deviated from what i originally wanted to say again. ha.
right. bottomline-i dont think i'll die so easily.

i've decided to try anne's how will you be defined in a dictionary and look what i got.

Amanda --

[noun]:

A hard-core grave robber

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

tried my chinese name. just for kicks. (testing accuracy)

ling chiu --

[noun]:

A hard-core grave robber

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

conclusion: i am a TRUE hard-core grave robber.

p/s: tried my chi name in hypy. Ling qiu. and i am to be defined as an immortal. i is loving my name :)
pp/s: check out my epitaph. i like. angsty. like me.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

2006-04-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

2006-04-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

a sudden wave of impulsiveness.
ineedtohearyourvoicecallyouseeyoutouchyou
like an bomb ready to explode-only to be forced to be swallowed back again.
kns. internal explosion?
no wonder im not getting well. im bombarding myself internally.
its killing me inside.

darn~
i seriously gotta do sth about these sudden impulsive spells.
cos its almost never tended to-at least to the way i wld hoped it wld be tended to.

Impulsive refers to the operation of a sudden urge or feeling not governed by reason.

righttt..
sudden urge or feeling not governed by reason.
sigh. now wad?
that makes me mental? unreasonable? illogical?
whateverrrrrr.

maybe i shld twig some part of my brain.
some part of the cerebral cortex that controls behavior.
is it the frontal lobe? prefrontal association area?
hmm...damage to the frontal cortex might cause the individual to be less spontaneous in behavior,reduced anxiety..(eh actually sounds good).
BUT-
less spontaneous means taking fcuking long to initiate any movements/actions/decisions.
im alr so tuu..(manda si-eh gao tuu. gao tuu kia. yes yes..i can diajonicanne chanting ;p)

ok. forget that. i just remembered there wld be enhanced irritability,loss of social inhibition,unpredictability..etc.
ha! as if im already not unpredictable enough
forget it. bleah.
how could any form of brain damage be any good to anyone anyway.
neurophysiology is so fun.
im going back to my books.
hmm..probably emphasize more on physiology of pain.
like how come my heart hurts like fcuk all the time.
bleahhhhh.

i love studying.
seriously!

ah..so the nerd has returnth.
about time biatch.

2006-04-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

chan khit may mii khray khawcay nii.

soop oral may dii.
may dii leey.
thammay chan yaak rian phasaa thai?
thammay?
phro waa chan yaak phuut phasaa thai kap feen chan.
tee feen chan may yaak phuut le? may choop phuut phasaa thay kap chan.
khun may day thaam soop oral dii may
khun luum?

chan ko may ruu thaa feen chan rak chan may
thaa rak..
rak maak?
ru rak nitnoy thawnan?
may ruu..chan may ruu.
tee chan rak ter. chan khit thung ter.
khun ruu may?

phuut phasaa thai thii nii, thuk khon may khawcay.
feen chan khawcay, tee may ruu thaa feen chan ?aan blog chan.

tong rian leew..may mii weelaa. :(

2006-04-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

its amazing how you can actually draw parallels to a tv show.
Pick me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCfoGzXgESQ&search=grey%27s%20anatomy

the internet is evil.
i should start hitting on my books. argh.

2006-04-04T02:10:00.000-07:00

trying to study..

pauses.

think..thinking about stuff.
words echoing in my mind..

tt familiar feeling comes up..

stone.

looks elsewhere.

'ok manda dont think! study!' i tell myself.

goes back to my notes.

reads for 5 min.

start thinking again.

pause.

stone.

looks away.

and so the cycle repeats.
EFFECTIVE studying huh.
manda u can just go and die.

............................................................................................................................................................

an impersonal msg.
sounds like im just tagging along.
nothing significant.

i need/want to know..
asks.
but afraid.
tries to adopt a neutral stand without keeping my hopes high.
went the wrong way.
rubbed you the wrong way.
damm
u get mad/pissed.
and me?
i feel like i just shot myself in the foot yet again.
manda, u can just go and die.

2006-04-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning
Running through my veins
Every time I look at you

Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And there's so much I want to say
Wanna tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way

I got half a mind
To scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I will never have to
Lose you girl
So I won't ever have to say goodbye
I won't ever have to lie
Won't ever have to say goodbye

Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning
Running through my veins
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you

do you really want to know how im dying with each passing day without you?
and how i'd give up forever to touch you in this very moment.
i need you.
i need to see you, hold you and breathe you in.

2006-03-29T00:04:00.000-08:00

and so she lies there..
wasting away.
while every post-it and post card on her board says 'u shld be studying'

you say goodbye...inside im screaming i love you.

do i have the "im about to cry" look?

slowly..
sadness, like a wave, rises inside her.
she inhaled sharply and lets the wave engulf her
for she could keep it in no more.
tears rolled,streamed and fell.
whimpering, weeping, sobbing, crying.

crying for everything that has happened.
crying for everything that's no longer going to happen.
crying for the very first wrong move to the very last words exchanged.
crying for the innocence lost and the hearts broken.
crying for what the future holds.
crying for the uncertainty.
crying for hating.
crying for loving much more than hating.

crying- waiting for the tears to run dry.
till there's finally no more rolling down the side of her eyes when she blinked.
till the voice within went hoarse from screaming inside her heart.
till her heart numbs from all the hurt received.
till it was so emotionally exhausting that she finally drifts off to sleep.

nothing. empty.
longing.
reaching.
nothing.

2006-03-27T02:12:00.000-08:00

perhaps you're right.
and i din even realise it.
im too comfortable in my own comfort zone.
all that talk about going out to see the world..im just too afraid to step out
and i din even realise it.

you make me see things in a different light.
maybe you'll even give me the courage to do the things i could only dream of.
maybe..
and that's the whole beauty of being in a relationship isnt it?
you grow together..as better people.

this isnt imposing your ideas anymore. (im sorry abt the prev time..)
this is sharing your dreams-
and baby..i'll be more than happy to be part of it.

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

for some reason this song just came to my head.
hee, you're a disney fan too arent u darling?
how apt. it could be our song for our whole new world.

2006-03-26T17:57:00.000-08:00

why is it strangely not therapeutic at all?
why dont i feel any sense of relief or release?
and you know what is the worst thing?
not only do u not feel any better after doing something as drastic as that to yourself,
you also dont look hot n fabulous. (in fact u look 10 times worse)
you look bad,you feel lousy about your lousy new look,and the original problem still bugs you.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhh
rahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i hate this world.
this world is not worth living.
fug that bitch.

dont worry, im not suicidal or anything
(and let whatever tts bugging me win? never.)

i refuse to let it get to me.
im stronger than that.
im not emo.
im as cool as ice.

'act strong only..'
much as i hate to admit-
you might be right.
and much as i hate (even more) to admit-
i cant believe after all these yrs, u still know me best.
rahhhhhhh. so what?

fish i cant even curse in peace.
when i said fug that bitch. its from that stupid vietnamese beef noodle man.
that stupid clip.
like 'tat some bong' from russell peters.
not intending it to anyone.
rahhhhhhh.
i have a bad temper.
i admit.
i have an anger management problem.
and i dunno how i can ever feel better.

isnt it funny that the only person who can make u stop crying is the same one who made you cry?
frigging ironic isn't it.
except in my case i dun cry.
no..i'll never shed a tear.

is it possible..
that a beautiful, intelligent girl..
with loving family and frens..
and everything going well for her..
is it possible that she'll still sink into depression?
and eventually lose it and wishes everything goodbye?
is it still possible?

what is it with you mandapanda.
that you can be so fickle and indecisive?
that one minute u can tell urself to shut it all out,
and another where u tell urself not to give up and give your all.
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

2006-03-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

'beauty is only skin deep.
its the inner beauty that counts.'

or so thats what ive been taught.

hence i removed part of what's outside,
and reveal what's inside.
so that hopefully by comparison,
everything from within will outshine the rest.

2006-03-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

lost in thoughts of you..
with the sound of raindrops in the background.
i could sit here all day just doing that.

staring out of the window as memories come flooding back.

melancholic as it sounds..
i actually kinda enjoy it.
quiet time spent alone..reminising the past

rainy days always evoke fond memories..

i remember walking out of ij to toa payoh macs along the road..
and this car drove so closely to the side that it splashed a huge puddle of water on amanda and i.
we were totally drenched,
but we went to macs anyway.
yes..with macs' very cold air con on full blast and us in our wet pinafore.

i remember it drizzling in aj..
and we din wanna get outta school cos we din wanna get wet.
and jeffrey said," hui yan si ma?"
meaning-will you drown (in the rain)?

i remember trekking in stong (malaysia) for our odac trip.
and i was wet,cold,dirty,muddy, tired and the campsite was still far far far far far away.
i wondered wad the hell was i doing in the jungle when i cld be back in spore watching a nice movie with daryl at lido.

i remember more..but i have tutorial at 11. and its 1052 now.
im still in my pajamas and specs.
:(
i dun wanna leave this room.
i wanna sit hear all day and listen to the pitter-patter of the raindrops.

2006-03-06T01:18:00.000-08:00

i am not a light switch.
where you can just flick to turn off or on the light.
i am not your battery-operated doll.
where you decide when u want to take out the batteries when this toy bores you.

i am your living and feeling girlfriend.

and right now..
this girl's world has just crumbled and fell.
she feels sick-
blood simply drained from her face when she saw the screen.
the once unfamilar feeling of crying is slowly welling up inside her.
and she's very tired..
of fighting the tears and the feeling of crying and helplessness.
but instinct still takes over..
she wished that she was never born.

i am not a light switch.
i am not your doll.
but my world just ended.

2006-03-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

There is no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm)

I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together

better together-jack johnson

love..the words in bold are for you.

2006-03-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

im only almost there,
and you're only almost here.

i hate to blog whenever something about you crops up.
in fact, i hate it that u might be the only thing i draw inspiration from whenever i blog.
i feel like throwing something at somebody.
which of cos i already did..given my bad temper.
but tt just doesnt cut it, i dun get tt oomph or satisfaction,or that release from my frustration.
what i really would like to throw is my hp against the door and watch it break into two.

its funny how i only want to destroy what i need?
something expensive? something that will break? i dunno...
cos actually the thought of smashing my fist thru this monitor sounds awesome.
im angry. yes i am..

ha..you would haf thought that by the age of 20 i would haf learnt to control myself.
well i do think im doing a good job at that.
i can still smile and sound all nice n sweet.
i can look straight into someone else's eyes and u wun know that im fuming inside.
yes..ppl say i can be read easily like an open book
cos my face, words and actions betray my emotions.
but seriously i think im getting better.
im in full control.
i tell others that i will not let u antagonise me with all your subtle movements.
i tell others im fine if u ignore me cos im just giving you time to urself-or so i tell myself
(but u know how i absolutely hate it when u ignore me. its like e ultimate worse thing u can do to me. drives me crazy/leaves me helpless. nice one..u get me everytime.)

i dont know why u do the things you do.
its hurting me inside
and i dunno when i'll stop buying my own self-delusions.
why am i doing all the convincing and persuading (to myself?)
is it because u feel that there's nothing to reassure?
really..there is only so much i can take..

But even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

yeah..collide.
as in dont see eye to eye-hence we collide.
oh man..im totally taking this song the wrong way.
and its ironic. cos i once dedicated this song to you. :(

butbecausemyloveforyouissostrongandtruei'llcontinuebuyingmydelusionsandtakeitallin.
i guess i'm still sticking with you my baby.

2006-02-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

http://www.purevolume.com/punkd1

i found this site where i can download n listen to songs!
cool! n its not mainstream radio music :)
u can find other bands there too. just tt e link i gave u is by this sporean guy/band.
i like the song 'its you' and 'beautiful'
acoustic/pop music.
the songs are from this short film- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIvBX4iWxlU
yeah go watch it!
oh man e actors are from my jc! (they're a yr younger)
whoalao din know aj can be so cool. haha..
its a film about forbidden love..true story!
oh quit rolling ur eyes on me.
the lead actor's quite cute though. ;)

i think the song 'beatutiful' can be my wedding or funeral song.
haha..cos its sweet yet has a small tinge of sadness.
maybe its e music. *shrugs*

but can u imagine if u play it during my funeral?
bet u'll bawl ur eyes out.
especially during the wake when u play videos or pictures of my smiling face,
and then it hits u that im no longer around..and will never be anymore...
whoa. sadddd rite?
(but thats if i die young la huh..
cos if i die at the age of 89..whoa lao so old already.
good riddance to me!)

and can u imagine if u play it during my wedding..
the first part is slow..
and i'll walk down the aisle slowly..
in my beautiful white gown, looking so radiant and gorgeous and beaming with joy.
and the part where the singer goes,"maybe i have fallen in love with you.."
i'll reach my partner whom im going to spend the rest of my blissful days with :)
then i'll tiptoe to kiss my partner before we exchange our vows!
cos im so impulsive n i like to do this kinda silly things. :))))))

Beautiful

I don't know
If I'm the one for you in this life
I can't help
Hearing my voice calling your name
Cuz when I'm
Trying so hard not to look in your eyes
Maybe I
Have fallen in love with you

Well tonight
Maybe this time I can hear you breathe
Its alive to see you smile
With those tears in your eyes
They may say
That you're just a girl in this spinning world
In my heart
You're like the world to me

I can't so describe
How I'm feeling deep inside
So much more than I can say
With your touch it feels so right
Oh my, you're so near
All the time in this place
For I know in my heart
I'll never let you go
In this lifetime
Do you know why oh baby
Cus you're just so
Beautiful to me

Touch my hand, feel my heart
Hold me close and you'll find me
You'll find me
You're so beautiful to me ..

2006-02-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

hypnotic intoxication

the music was loud, to the point where it was almost deafening.
beats,vibes,groove,rhythm,trance.
i could literally feel it vibrating in my bones.
boom boom boom
i closed my eyes and breathed it all in.

intoxicated-
you just wanna lose it on the dance floor.
you dance, you shake, you groove to the beat
as the music dictates your every movement.
eyes wide shut, arms raised high.

disco lights flashing at random
lights hit the ice and glare
the waterfall raining down
foam falling from above.
together with the music thats absolutely raw-
welcome the trance-convert.

MinistryofSound.HedKandi.Trance.House.Hypnotic.Smoove.

2006-02-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

my love for you is blind,
but i couldn't make you see it

you got me wrong.
no it isnt like that.
why do you have to see things in such a way that would only make me look bad
and make it seem like i dont care?

i did go back to look for you.
i called u,but u didnt reply.
maybe you were so lost in your thoughts that u didn't hear me.
maybe i should haf called again.
i knew you were in there.
i peeped from underneath
saw ur feet planted firmly on the ground
seemed like you were thinking,sorting out your thoughts.
that's why i thought i'd give you some time to urself.

why does it sound like a feeble attempt to explain myself..
its not like that.
i feel much more..
i feel in ways that words fail to explain.

iwannabeyourperfectlover
i wannamakeyouhappy
iwannaputalltheunhappythingsbehindus
iwannagivemybesttoyou
i'llgivemyall
letsstartanew
foryouiwillbecomesomebodybetter

2006-02-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

if you leave me now
you take away the very heart of me.
ooh oh no, baby please don't go.

last night,
i watched the movie fearless with my past.
it was just a movie, nothing more and purely platonic.
when the movie ended,he offered to send me home.
like how he used to when it was late.
i declined and told him its ok.
besides we were near his place and he had to get up early the next morning.

after afew persistent 'let me send you home' s
and even more insistent 'its ok u need to get up early tmr' s
he gave in.

just knowing that you wanted to send me home is enough.
i don't need you to walk me home anymore.
just knowing that u cared is enough for me.

because you are no longer my alternative to gravity

..................................................................................................................

baby, it hurt when you said you were not happy.
you were not happy with me.
you have nothing to be happy about.
it hurts.
like damm alot alot alot

i have not forgotten the 6 ways of being happy.
i only wish it applies to you too.
especially the last way.

be mine.

if you leave me now
you take away the biggest part of me.
ooh oh no, baby please don't go.

-if you leave me now by Chicago.

2006-01-26T01:25:00.000-08:00

going against what she preached
double standards

i screamed my lungs out but no one came to my rescue.
i wonder if anyone would come if my room was on fire.

stupid dia made me play this game
http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf

oh try it.
den u'll understand why.

stupid girl..im already so lonely in hall..still zhen4 me.
haha..ah wells
its not so bad today.
maybe i am geting used to the solitude,
or maybe i know i still haf ppl who care abt me, ard me.

even tho i was disappointed by you..its better than e 1st day i lived alone.
oh i should haf known anyway.
i dunno how long can i keep up with u n ur....sigh.
u're making me do things that i preached against.
but its ok.
so long as i feel better.
i'll do anything for some kind of release.
a release i've found.
not a good one..but at least its a release..
and im able to do my homework tonight.

thanks for the bak kwa,the smses,the web cam conversations,nus cast,7-11 which is nearby,my portable radio,oh of cos..msn.

wad would i do without technology?

2006-01-24T01:43:00.000-08:00

shower me with your attention
im terrified of being alone.

i fell aslp watching victoria's secrets runway show.
missed grey's anatomy too.
how dumb.
whoever falls aslp watching hot babes?!
i must haf been damm tired.

im terrified of being alone.
i guess deep inside i was waiting,expecting even
a call or msg or something from you.
something from my hp maybe?
msn doesn't count..i fell aslp!

im in hall.
alone in a 3m by 3m room. (machiam jail)
cooped up.
i hate to think im dependent on ppl.
i'd like to think im a brave,independent girl able to live on her own.
bleah.
but beneath it all,lies a little girl lahhhhhh!
rahhhhhhh!

baby im back by baby bash and akon
on radio now.
hip hop is my feel-good music.
fuck it.
manda,you're a strong,smart and not to mention beautiful girl.
u'll get by..

YOU'LL GET BY!!!!!
YOU'RE GONNA PULL UR FRIGGING CAP UP..
AND YOU'RE GONNA PROVE TO PPL JUST WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!!!

sigh,im just damm good at psyching myself up.
my room is filled with embarrassing self-motivational post-its.
ok back to work.
manda u strong,manda u rock.
manda u strong,manda u rock.
manda u strong,manda u rock.
manda u strong,manda u rock.
manda u strong,manda u rock.
shall keep chanting that to myself all night........

2006-01-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

fcukstrated.

you have absolutely no tolerance at all.
i dunno if its just you,
that u simply cannot take shit from anybody..
or im the one who's pushing you this far.

do i sound like im pushing the blame all to ur non-existant tolerance level?
but like hello....
isnt relationships all about compromise?
some give and take?
cutting each other some slack?

i hate to sound like im cooking up excuses to cover up my wrongs..
i admit there are things that i do..which will make u say "u asked for it"
but there are little things...and there are big things.
hell everything seems like a big deal to you.
i aint perfect, but surely there are things that u can shut an eye to?
or point it out yes..but surely you can stop staying mad the whole day?
and purposely do things to make me feel like crap and worst of all- jealous?
an eye for an eye huh?
surely you are not that vindicitive?

relationships are not easy to maintain..
tolerating each other's short-comings are hard too.
but do u know that i am willing to take your shit,shut an eye,keep quiet about certain stuff..
just to avoid a quarrel with u?

the way you are, the way i am.
nothing seems to be going our way.
i dun wanna change..im trying to stay as true to myself as possible. so love me for who i am
and so are u..
arent we in for some big shit?

everything about you affects me.
and everything about me affects you.
lets see who provokes each other first and start the fight.

so here we go again..

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low
I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this
Sick cycle carousel,
this is a sick cycle, yeah

lifehouse-sick cycle carousel

2006-01-11T01:56:00.000-08:00

i shall make my new year resolutions now.
abit late..but hey. its only afew das ago tt i really felt that its the year 2006.
so here goes.
warning: i have high lofty aims this year.

1) i resolve to be able to drive by this year
2) i resolve to be able to speak and understand thai. [as much as 2 sems can teach]
3) i resolve to pull my CAP up. [im trying to hit 4.0, cheer me on ppl. its now a 3.4 :( ]

okay. tts it.
why set so many..3 is difficult enough. n i think its rather specific too.
and then there's e usual..
i resolve to become a more filial daughter, a nicer sister, a more loving lover, a more sensitive fren, a better canoe polo player, a more conscientious student..etc.
i resolve never to let anything get me down, resolve not to shoot my mouth whenever i get angry, resolve to walk ard ppl's shoes for a min, take a step back n breathe b4 doing sth to make things worse, resolve to think and look before i leap, resolve not to procrastinate and be more responsible,resolve to work hard to get what i want without hindering anyone..etc.
i resolve to have abs and a hot bod by xmas,resolve to stop binge-eating and drink more water..etc.

man..this list can go on forever.

thats why i think im sticking to the first 3.
not tt im neglecting the rest..but yah.
wad was last year's resolution again?
oh right...to be punctual. HA!
like i kept tt. n it was so easy too.
bleah.
okok. serious now.

i really do not want to start off 2006 with the wrong foot.
lotsa stuff been pulling me down and making feel way low.........
sigh.
luckily im like some weed which refuses to die after being stomped upon.
i will survive!
i will whine n yell 'i wanna gif up! f*ck off all of ya!'
but underneath it all....im a tough chick right there.
muahahhahha.. *evil laugh*

oh and big shout out to my best best fren since sec 1-nicole phua shi ya!
happy birthday dear! u rock my world..
i love you and this year is gonna be great for ya girl. *hugs and muacks*

2006-01-10T00:32:00.000-08:00

.quizzes.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 63% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing
Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantityYou've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks offAnd you're adaptable, giving each partner what they craveWhen it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to take more than give in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Your Blog Should Be Red

Your blog is full of intensity and passion.You are very opinionated - and people love or hate you for it.You have the potential to be both a famous and infamous blogger.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Cumisha Jones

What's" Your Porn Star Name?

Your Pimp Name Is...

Silky Shagswell

What's" Your Pimp Name?

im boreddddd. can u tell?

2006-01-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

thx.miz u.do tc.c ya

last night, i was angry.
angry because i felt that you were irresponsible.

how could you just leave liddat?
at such a crucial time?
how could you just leave everything behind?
you gotta bid for modules, fine i can do that for you. but wad if u dun get it?
u din say wad else to bid..and here i am getting all worried for you.

i din know ur email so i cldnt help u check,
but by judging from the min successful bid..i think u got out-bidded.
and i already helped u dump all ur points in!
cant help u bid for lang too cos it clashes with another mod tt u were taking.
its not even my studies n im getting so worked up.
i even helped u check wad else to take and whether it wld fit into ur timetable.
all u gotta do is reply me in one single sms wad u want,and ur email n password.
50 cents (i think its 50cents) for ur studies...not alot rite?

the worse part lies not in being out-bidded.
the worse thing is that for the past few days u din reply a single sms tt ive sent b4.
i know ur hp bill has snowballed to afew hundred dollars.
but who was the one who got so worked up the other time when i din msg or call as often as u wld like me to?
im not asking for alot now..just some form of appreciation?
just to let me know that im still somewhere in ur mind?
that all my missing and loving is not going to waste?
i hate giving out my best when its not gg to be reciprocated.
im not that altruistic,trust me. i really dun think tts one of my good traits.

k so im supposed to be more understanding..
so i am..i still continue msging (not alot, ppl its just not me to report every single detail of my life)..like 2 msgs a day. tt im thinking,missing,loving you and it aint no sunshine when u're gone.
did u even receive my msgs?
did u read it indifferently?
were u going to even msg me back for this whole week tt u're gone?
i dun wanna know the answers to my qns.

ok. now im over the replying part.
u can not reply me and tell me how much u miss me.
i will understand,im sensible and i have control over my feelings.
but u gotta f*cking reply me about ur damm modules!

and so you did..
time goes by so slowly for those who wait
about ur modules (which was no help cos darling,there are no vacancies left for u in tt mod)
and a very detached 'miz u,do tc c ya' ending.

last night when sang asked me whether she called or replied my msgs..
felt like a knife went thru my heart when i realised that u didn't.
i mean i know u din at all n i understand ur reasons for doing so (in frigging denial and cooking up reasons to convince myself. cos i know its not u. not u at all to not reply n let me know how much u're missing me regardless of how much fun u're having there),
but to be asked and to hear myself replying that painful answer..oh fug that.

..................................................................................................................

every thursday is a bad day.
i can go on about how my day sucks and let it get to me but i wun allow it to.

but because im amanda lee,im so whiny i just need to get it outta my chest.

lets start with me missing the bus 96.
i was punctual. with no buffer time.
so if i miss that bus i might be late.
and then i remembered kossy telling me tt if i walked fast enuff i might be able to catch 96 from e ntuc busstop since e bus goes one bigg round ard e mkt.
but i missed it again!!!
ok nvm..thinking whether to flag a cab and was debating with myself whether to pay the $2 late fine was more worth it..than cab fare tt gonna cost $4.
crossed over to the other side so tt cab dun hafta make a u-turn..but no cab.
all on the other side.
frig.
k nvm..cross cross the road. (i know i only waited for 2 min but rem i might be late or i might just reach on time?)
and then i look over the other side n realised tt i missed 96 again!!
goddammit.
k,tt made up my mind to flag a cab. (yes this time im on e other side)
825am.
i have 15 min to get to sch.
"cut thru AYE?" asked e taxi uncle.
"errr...ya."--bad choice. cos slow moving traffic in e morning.
to cut a long story short.
cab fare was $5.50. most expensive ive ever taken from clementi and 5 other ppl were late today.

that means 100 pushups for everyone except those who came late.
now my delts and upper arms are aching.
n trng wasnt fantastic. (but im still glad i had trng)
n i received ur unfeeling/unloving msg.
i think im liddat cos ur msgs used to be so sugar-coated.
thats it. i dun think im gg to fall for such bullshit ever again. bleah!
i hate to compare,but if u cant follow it thru..pls dun start in e first place.
and if u can follow thru,but its cos of me..that im not as lovable as b4..
well..u're not exactly very lovable right now too (but i do love u anyway)

i found a baby cockroach in my food today.
i ate at linger cafe btw. the canteen at src pool.
food was bad.
but i was hungry so i shoved everything in anyway.
i was gonna take my last mouthful of vegs when i saw e cockroach.
sigh,whyareudoingthistome?
lesson learnt.
never ever force urself to eat bad tasting food,no matter how hungry you are.
told the aunty of cos...she offered to pay me back e money or buy me a drink..
but i declined. b4 i went up to e aunty (i was debating whether to inform her),i told steph n qy tt i wld at least want a drink or sth.
but iyah..its not tt im shy to accept..but wad can i do? im not e kind to kick up a fuss..
but still. very gross.

and as u can see..thats enough shit gg on in a day for a nice girl like me.
so im off to sang sang's house now to drown my sorrows.
maybe i'll indulge my dirty lil secret to them..haha.

love doesnt hafta be so perfect..
all i want is your love.
love me for who i am, and who im not.

2005-12-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

incuring your wrath was probably the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
never will i do so again.
and all i ask is your forgiveness.
but alas,you're not one who forgives easily,
not one whose's anger would subside quickly.

ignoring me or giving me the cold shoulder is the most painful way to punish me.
you are driving me insane.
please...
forgive and forget.

i really mean it when i said im sorry.
is that so difficult to believe?

3 entries in a day.
im desperate.
im feeling lower than dirt.

when you ignore me,or talk to me like that..
even if the most palatable delicacies were to be placed in front of me,my taste buds would not be tempted.
even if mummy treats me like a princess i will not feel as happy.
even if i aced every subject i took this sem i will not be overjoyed.
even if i strike the lottery my heart will not race.
even if anything that can go wrong goes wrong, it will not be as bad as you ignoring me.

i was impatient,desperate,frustrated,vexed,sorry and heart-broken.
im feeling the worst feeling that i can ever feel in my life.

i threw everything i can in my room.
i have a bad temper.
sleeping did not help.
retail therapy did not help.
its that bad.

its worse than feeling that im not good at anything that i've ever tried in my life.
worse than getting my results.
worse than being the worst player in the team.
worse than being left out by my frens.
worse than wanting to do sth but its way beyond your means.
worse than being forgotten.
worse than being dumped.
worse than being a disappointing daughter.
worse than everything gg wrong on your birthday.

i dont know how you guys can read this without thinking that im being over dramatic.
but thats how im feeling right now.

if only you knew wad you are doing to me..

2005-12-28T12:48:00.000-08:00

you declared loving you was a task too difficult for anyone.
hence i could leave,take the easy way out.
like how everyone else did.

you said you want me but was certain that one day i would give up,
and that day seems to be drawing near.

dont say you want me but seem so willing to let me go.
dont act all noble that you dont want to keep me from everything else,
or that its hard on me so its ok if i leave.
dont.

loving you isnt easy,but i do anyway.
well,lets do a swap in positions.
say now I'm the one who's a very difficult person to love,but you do anyway- (very deeply too)
regardless of everything i do and how hard it is on you.
would you give up?
would you leave just cos loving was difficult?

actually..i dont really know what you'll say.
but i will not give up, not so easily..unless you're saying all these to make me leave you cos you dont love me no more...(but thats another arguement altgt)
because im so naive and idealistic about love.
that i firmly believe that love will conquer all.

quit being so hard on yourself,
stop thinking that you're difficult to love
and in the process drive or shut out everyone who tries to love you.
i may complain and whine or become upset..allow me to do so.
because im only human, and i need an outlet for my emotions.

have more faith in me,
have more faith in our love.

now quit ignoring me and ask me out now.

2005-12-28T00:44:00.000-08:00

somehow its never enough, is it?

i feel like i've done so much..
but it doesnt seem to satisfy.
ok..maybe not alot. but defintely more than wad i'll normally do.
and considering all the things that i've done, i think i might go to hell.

im doing things thats beyond, and totally unlike me.
its scary. and if you knew what i did, you would haf thought i was possessed.
possessed by love,ardor,fevour and vehemence.

unfulfilled promises, unfinished business.

my tolerance has a limit.
human beings may be capable of rational thought and logic,
but their emotions would ultimately rule them all.

logic and reason tells me there's nothing to it,
although you shld have been more sensitive.
so in the end i still feel sucky,
but is unable to explain my feelings or articulate my thoughts out to you
cos i already know the things you are about to say to me-
reasons which i've already worked out in my head.

what the head thinks may not be what the heart feels.
sometimes i think they work independently instead of synchronizing with each other.
thus resulting in contradiction of what i say and do.
a confused mess?
thats me.

you're complicated and insatiable.
a recipe for disaster.
my beautiful disaster?

2005-12-26T21:18:00.000-08:00

she do not like to share.
certain things are not meant to be shared or divided.

it may sound possessive and selfish..
but hey,
try sharing your bf or gf.

still wanna share anyone?

u may disagree
but i am..
sharing you, your time and your attention.

............................................................................

you blow me away, with your words
drive me crazy, with your touch
leave me wanting for more,
make me feel weak in my knees,
and send shivers down my spine.

............................................................................

an old flame called to wish me merry xmas,
and remarked that my singing was beautiful,
if i had not moved on,
and realised that our past was perhaps just a crazy bout of infatuation and ardor that i had with you,
and that you would never love or look at me the way i used to look and love you..
i would have thought that we still stood a chance of being together..
and that you still liked me,
the way i deluded myself into thinking that you did a long time ago.

2005-12-21T01:42:00.000-08:00

rainbow belly stud.

rainbow-gay propaganda
and its belly me.
absolutely stud-ning rite?

haha..hows tt for the play of words? ;)

..................................................................

due to a certain misunderstanding and miscommunication (or rather a lack of it cos M conveniently forgot to inform),
N is going to spend xmas day with an ex-lover.
M knows N din do it in act of spite.
nobody wants to be alone on xmas day..and they are still frens.
although M's not e rebound or spare tyre in this case (cos she was the one who had her own plans first)..
well it still kinda sucked.
but she isnt gg to blow up the whole matter,
or show that she's upset,or disturbed by N's choice of company
because voicing out her thoughts wld only serve to make N upset-which M doesnt want.
although under normal circumstances, M wld.
she isnt one who suppresses her emotions and opinions.
But she is doing so,because she loves N.
so much so that she wld rather keep it to herself than upset N and spoil the lovely evening that they were spending together.

2005-12-16T11:34:00.000-08:00

its friday and im obviously very bored.
11am in the morning and im online doing personality quizzes! haha
well i thought it was quite accurate..wad do ya think?

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

try it here- http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

YOUR LOVE
Are you a very confused person?
Sometimes you like to be left alone.
Sometimes you want to be loved.
Sometimes you need him or her.
Sometimes you don't.
Does it sound familiar?

--->wow. tts like how apt and accurate?!
yes im sth liddat. abit contradictory and demanding?
not really demanding..but alil hard to please.
thats just me i guess.

i got this analysis from here http://quizbox.com/personality/test11.aspx

yup. so there u haf it. bored b4 trng starts.
woke up too early.
gg back to aj to climb later.
hah!
den canoe polo.
hard core rite? ;)

2005-12-15T00:19:00.000-08:00

travelling is beginning to take a toll on me.
for the past few days ive been travelling around singapore from one end to another as if im taking part in singapore's amazing race.

consider this:
from yishun (thats in the north)
to school (which is in kent ridge,in the east)
and then all the way to changi airport (which is at the other end,west)
back home in yishun.

its not too bad if i had a car,though im pretty sure the tank would be empty by den.
but i was travelling via public transport!
bleah.
12 mrt stops. change a feeder bus. --->that would take me an hour ten min to get to school
take a feeder bus and then take from clementi all the way to changi airport station.-->1 hour 15
i dun even want to begin counting the number of stops.
i passed by redhill,tanjong pagar,raffles place,kembangan,bedok,tanah merah!
across the island! go figure.
and then a bus home. --->35min
i think i spent slightly more than 3 hours travelling.
utter waste of time right?
but wad to do?

travelling can make me a very grumpy person or it could make me sick.
its like you're waiting/sitting/worse standing in a moving vehicle..
living torture.

today's bus ride from queensway back to yishun nearly killed me.
i was so drained after i got off.
i cant even imagine saturday.
to sch,den home? or town? den up to woodlands den to e airport....
i look like im trying to maximise my 24 hrs.
oh shutup about living life to the fullest.
isnt this a tad too far?
fine,i know u can always argue the other way by saying 'dun go la! u choose to go wad,hence comes the travelling. so quit complaining!'
but i want to!
i wanna train to become a better player and team-mate,i wanna go meet my frens,i wanna be a family person, and of cos i wanna be there for my baby.
one day i might just snap and refuse to leave the hse for 3 weeks.

so i better make this clear.
im beginning to detest travelling but tt doesnt mean i detest the destination.
i do, still want to go wherever i want.
and im taking all this long hours for the pple i love,for the things i love to do.

while i was on e bus just now,unable to fall aslp..
i was trying to grasp some sort of feeling -but fell short.
detached and disimpassioned.
i was thinking and viewing things from a 3rd person..
passed thru yck,placed myself in ur shoes..
must be some influence and post effects from snooping at ur blog last night..
probably looking for a bedtime story b4 i slp. (wad a shady/lousy excuse)
thought about all that u've gone thru,all that u've loved and lost..
thought about myself,tried drawing parallels..

and realised that i have never truly loved before,
to allow myself to fall so deeply
and opening up my heart knowing that there's a chance it might be broken.
i guess ive been very guarded all these while.

ah wells.
im trying to return to PJP.
pre-J period.
haha..
keeping myself occupied.
which isnt difficult..considering all e travelling and trng tt i've got to go thru.
travelling sucks.

i feel the similar sinking feeling threatening to surface again,
that feeling of longing and missing.
not today..im pushing it right back down.
hidden somewhere deep within my heart.
where it rightfully belongs.

and now im going to sleep.
leaving all the sad aching feelings for lala-land.
like how i always do..PJP.

2005-12-11T01:52:00.000-08:00

moments unforgettable

the little things and every loving detail that matters.

holding hands.
the gentle touch of just feeling each other's fingrs.
hands outstretched, caressing each other's palms.
fingers intertwined like tendrils around a fence,
fitting snugly, letting go and pulling in.
slowly stroking the betweens of your fingers.

walking in comfortable silence or easy banter.
laughing, not at but with each other.
singing along to the songs stuck in our heads.
feeling the cool night breeze against our faces.

i want to remember every sweet moment spent together.
becaus what we have is so magical..
and baby..
you mean the world to me.

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
And back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

2005-12-08T01:17:00.000-08:00

i thought i lost you then

disappoined,heart-ached, and most of all hurt.
sho bolted.
ran up the stairs and stopped.
leaned against the wall with her hands covering her face.
she din feel like gg home.
a wave of crazy impulse washed over her.

she needs a smoke,a beer. anything.
something foolish to hurt herself.
something that would surpass the hurt that she was already feeling.

at 19,you would have thought she has grown out of all these nonsense.
but then again,her whole relationship seemed to be delayed by a couple of years too.

but because she has never been a bad girl,(but not completely strait-laced)
buying booze or cigarettes did not come naturally to her.
besides,she'll never do the latter.
it was against everything she preached.

walking helped a little.
a msg albeit a feeble explaination helped too.

after 1 supermarket, 2 kopitiams and 2 7-11s,
she finally decided on a sandwich.
she was hungry anyway.
or maybe some chocolates,or ice-cream.
comfort food.

feeling slightly proud of herself that she still hasnt totally lost it.
there was still some form of composure and rationality.
typical of her to check the number of calories on the food label.
wait a sec,you're supposed to heat it up in the microwave before consuming it?
frig. now you tell me.
she was already halfway,about to grab the second sandwich.
feeling more like a fool than ever.

flashback.
she reached over to hold love's hand,but the touch was not reciprocated.
she leaned over-about to kiss, but stopped halfway.
what was that about?
a couple of awkward sentences that hung stiffly in mid air.
she was hurt, you would see it too if you looked deeper.
'goodnight' and leaned to give a quick peck on the lips.
she sat there,still as a doll.
hurt. she bolted.

what just happened?
have you drifted?
so fast? so soon?
i had more faith in you.

whatever happened?
with the 2 who were so crazy in love with each other.
that they would give up almost anything and everything to be together.
how you would go to the far end of the island just to see her.
how you would call just to hear the sound of her voice.
how you wanted to show her a life somebody like her should be living.
how you called her princess.
how she rights every wrong thing in your life.
how just by being herself, she could make everything right.
how you were so afraid to lose her.
how you wanted to hold her in your arms all day,never wanting to let go.

45 minutes later,
you brushed aside your ego and called back.
at that moment,it made everything right.

2 hours later,
it seemed you only made half of it right.
she didn't know what else is there to do
to make her feel less insecure.

2005-12-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

i think im fated to remain single.
i enjoy my own time to myself.
yes..i know relationships involves making sacrifices.
but.
im selfish and i only think about myself n im convinced that e world is meant to revolve around me.
there ive said it.

........................
sigh.

i hate quarrelling. but i love arguing.
i think im some sick twisted morbid person.

i blogged last night but thanks to blogger n murphy's law.
somehow its gone n i cant really rem wad i wrote.
i was just typing my thots furiously..
how i was feeling at tt moment.
maybe its good too cos im pretty sure there are alot of nasty stuff ive said.
blessing in disguise maybe?

i really do not like cold wars..
or gg over to beg for forgiveness.
or to to pacify the other person.
its not tt its not me..
i will do it.
but i must want to do it.
not becos its the right thing to do at tt time.

argh.

i like e freedom of being single..able to do wadeva i want whenever i want.
but i also like the feeling of being needed..to love n take care of somebody.
i like my own time alone..but i dun like being alone.
somes pretty contradicting huh?
but it makes perfect sense to me.

its a fine balance..
u'll soon see that im not an easy person to love.